garden-variety scumbags. You’re victims of a terrible affliction that causes you to want to have sex with every carbon-based being that crosses your path.”
Dr. Vanden Fanny, the middle-aged director of the Chamberlain Institute and a pioneer in sex addiction academic study, turns and gestures toward framed portraits on the wall behind her of presidents John F. Kennedy and William J. Clinton.
“Let’s begin tonight’s meeting, as we do every meeting, with a reminder of the greatness we all can achieve in spite of our crippling sex addiction. It doesn’t have to be a death sentence, my friends. These two great American presidents stand as shining examples of the courage of our community.”
Despite growing criticism from the press and the medical community that she and a group of fellow acupuncturists invented the field of “sex addiction research” as a means to exploit celebrities looking for a way out of public sex scandals, Dr. Vanden Fanny takes her work quite seriously.
“As you all know, we work every day here at the institute to bring an end to the addiction that struck Wilt Chamberlain and caused him to have sex with 20,000 women over the course of a tortured life. Wilt was derided as a lothario. He was mocked as an out-of-control Casanova. Some even called this gentle giant a 7-foot-tall sex beast. Today we know he was none of those things. He was a victim of sex addiction, plain and simple. And so we take Wilt’s lifetime of torment and use it as our strength and motivation to find a cure in his name.”
The group applauds. Dr. Vanden Fanny talks over the clapping, raising her voice to be heard.
“So, just to be clear, sex addiction is real. And we have a center here in Malibu where we study it.” Satisfied for the moment that her point has been made, she continues.
“As you all know, we are here tonight to welcome a new member into our Chamberlain family. And I use the word ‘family’ intentionally here—mainly because I don’t want you to have sex with each other, and perhaps the idea that you are somehow family relatives would deter you. It’s a long shot, I know.
“Anyhow, our new friend was delivered to us by his IMG management team two days ago after a long period of focus group testing to determine how he should handle his very public problems. We’re awfully proud of him for admitting he’s got some things he needs to work on and for being man enough to ask for help here at Chamberlain.
“I don’t want to embarrass him, but I’m proud to say as we sit here tonight, he has not nailed a single member of our staff since he began treatment. Friends, please say hello to the PGA’s 10-time Player of the Year—no pun intended—Tiger Woods.”
The assembled sex addicts give Woods a standing ovation. Woods, dressed in a red golf shirt and black pants, stands and tips his cap as if walking up the 18 th fairway at Augusta National.
“Thanks so much, Dr. Vanden Fanny. And thank you all.” Woods takes a deep breath and blows it out slowly.
“I just want to say something I should have said a long time ago: my name is Tiger Woods and I’m a sex addict.”
The group claps loudly and stands for Woods again. Tiger breaks into a wide toothy smile. Dr. Vanden Fanny puts her arm around the golf great and rubs his back.
“How does it feel, Tiger? How does it feel?”
Tiger chokes back tears. “It feels like I just won the Masters, Dr. Vanden Fanny. That’s how it feels.”
As the group applauds again, Tiger leans in so only Dr. Vanden Fanny can hear him. “But can you get your hand off my back? It’s kind of making me want to bend you over that sink.”
Dr. Vanden Fanny slides her hand off his back. “Of course, Tiger. I’m sorry. That’s my fault. Not your fault. You have a disease. It’s my fault.” She turns back to the group.
“Tiger, that is the most important step of the process. You’ve just admitted that you are an addict. A real addict. Like a drug addict,
Dr. Vanden Fanny, the middle-aged director of the Chamberlain Institute and a pioneer in sex addiction academic study, turns and gestures toward framed portraits on the wall behind her of presidents John F. Kennedy and William J. Clinton.
“Let’s begin tonight’s meeting, as we do every meeting, with a reminder of the greatness we all can achieve in spite of our crippling sex addiction. It doesn’t have to be a death sentence, my friends. These two great American presidents stand as shining examples of the courage of our community.”
Despite growing criticism from the press and the medical community that she and a group of fellow acupuncturists invented the field of “sex addiction research” as a means to exploit celebrities looking for a way out of public sex scandals, Dr. Vanden Fanny takes her work quite seriously.
“As you all know, we work every day here at the institute to bring an end to the addiction that struck Wilt Chamberlain and caused him to have sex with 20,000 women over the course of a tortured life. Wilt was derided as a lothario. He was mocked as an out-of-control Casanova. Some even called this gentle giant a 7-foot-tall sex beast. Today we know he was none of those things. He was a victim of sex addiction, plain and simple. And so we take Wilt’s lifetime of torment and use it as our strength and motivation to find a cure in his name.”
The group applauds. Dr. Vanden Fanny talks over the clapping, raising her voice to be heard.
“So, just to be clear, sex addiction is real. And we have a center here in Malibu where we study it.” Satisfied for the moment that her point has been made, she continues.
“As you all know, we are here tonight to welcome a new member into our Chamberlain family. And I use the word ‘family’ intentionally here—mainly because I don’t want you to have sex with each other, and perhaps the idea that you are somehow family relatives would deter you. It’s a long shot, I know.
“Anyhow, our new friend was delivered to us by his IMG management team two days ago after a long period of focus group testing to determine how he should handle his very public problems. We’re awfully proud of him for admitting he’s got some things he needs to work on and for being man enough to ask for help here at Chamberlain.
“I don’t want to embarrass him, but I’m proud to say as we sit here tonight, he has not nailed a single member of our staff since he began treatment. Friends, please say hello to the PGA’s 10-time Player of the Year—no pun intended—Tiger Woods.”
The assembled sex addicts give Woods a standing ovation. Woods, dressed in a red golf shirt and black pants, stands and tips his cap as if walking up the 18 th fairway at Augusta National.
“Thanks so much, Dr. Vanden Fanny. And thank you all.” Woods takes a deep breath and blows it out slowly.
“I just want to say something I should have said a long time ago: my name is Tiger Woods and I’m a sex addict.”
The group claps loudly and stands for Woods again. Tiger breaks into a wide toothy smile. Dr. Vanden Fanny puts her arm around the golf great and rubs his back.
“How does it feel, Tiger? How does it feel?”
Tiger chokes back tears. “It feels like I just won the Masters, Dr. Vanden Fanny. That’s how it feels.”
As the group applauds again, Tiger leans in so only Dr. Vanden Fanny can hear him. “But can you get your hand off my back? It’s kind of making me want to bend you over that sink.”
Dr. Vanden Fanny slides her hand off his back. “Of course, Tiger. I’m sorry. That’s my fault. Not your fault. You have a disease. It’s my fault.” She turns back to the group.
“Tiger, that is the most important step of the process. You’ve just admitted that you are an addict. A real addict. Like a drug addict,
Similar Books
Then No One Can Have Her
Caitlin Rother
The Custodian of Paradise
Wayne Johnston
The Triggerman Dance
T. Jefferson Parker
Trouble Magnet
Graham Salisbury
Waking Up in Dixie
Haywood Smith
Bonefish Blues
Steven Becker
Mystery of the Strange Bundle
Enid Blyton
Still Water
Stuart Harrison
Princess in Waiting
Meg Cabot
Charles Manson Now
Marlin Marynick