All That I Need (Secret Desires) Read Free

pleaded, trying to make sense of it all.
    He shut me out, before I could ask anymore. “It’s not up for discussion. I’ve made my decision.”
    “Austin,” I was frustrated, and my tone was getting louder. “We’re supposed to be a team; you can’t just bail on me.” My mind was churning, wondering where his thoughts were.
    “This isn’t about you,” he said, stomping away.
    “It’s about both of us,” I yelled behind him.
    “This conversation is over,” he said spinning around. “Do you understand?” His tone was harsh, and left no room for movement.
    I backed down, and let him walk away. Truth be told, I was afraid for his future – our future. How could I support us both if he didn’t have a career? He seemed to enjoy school, and then this – why?
    I was at a loss. Do I call the school and ask if something happened? Doing that would betray him, and yet I was left in the dark. I decided against contacting them. It wasn’t my business, and they may not even know. I’d have to support his decision, even though everything inside of me knew it was a mistake.
    When my period was late, I kept the news to myself. I wanted to enjoy the idea, but maybe it was too soon for us to have a family. Austin didn’t have a job, he’d just quit school, and I had no idea how we’d get by…but if I was pregnant, if we were going to have a child…how could I not be excited.
    Only I kept it to myself. I was afraid he’d ruin it, not share in my joy, and for now it would be my secret. I’d grab a pregnancy test on the sly and find out soon enough. Just the seed of the idea had me smiling, though moments of doubt set in too. Maybe it’s not a good time, maybe I should hope it’s negative…only I wanted it to be true. I wanted to be a mother.
    I was late enough that I knew it was time to test. On my lunch break one afternoon, I stood in the aisle of the pharmacy staring at the pregnancy tests. There were so many, and while they all did the same thing, I examined each box like it was a science experiment, trying to decide which test to buy.
    I finally picked one and stood frozen, looking at the box in my hands. What would it mean if it was positive? How would we adapt, would I be able to count on Austin, and would he even be happy? I hated that it came down to this. I always thought we’d be doing this together, and it would be a fun, joyous occasion. Yet here I was on an undercover mission, not certain what I wanted the test to tell me.
    I paid for the pregnancy test, and shoved it into my purse. I’d have to take it in the morning, and let my mind play with possibilities. The truth would be staring me in the face soon enough. I had no idea what I’d tell Austin, and decided I’d let the test decide for me. If I’m not pregnant, there’s no reason to even mention it, and if I am – well, I’ll figure it out later.
    I should have called Heather and talked to her about it, but since she wasn’t at work anymore, I didn’t share every tiny detail of my life with her. I was happy for her, I knew she wanted to stay home with AJ, and was living her dream as a full-time mother. A surprise promotion for Scott allowed Heather to go from her new part-time position, to pulling up her roots and staying home full time to raise their child. I missed seeing her daily, but was happy for her.
    If I called my mother, she’d make me worry more, since she’s convinced having a child is a mistake with everything that’s going on. I felt trapped and alone, not knowing who to talk to about my situation. I wanted to talk to Austin, but that option left me with an upset stomach. I’d have to figure it out by myself, at least for now.
    I must have woken up fifteen times through the night. I was anxious to take the test in the morning, and wanted to be stealth in my movements. I finally crawled out of bed a little bit after five. Austin was asleep, and none the wiser.
    Digging through my purse, I pulled the pregnancy test out,