What is the Matter with Mary Jane? Read Free Page A

Model. This will be good!
    SANCIA smiles and prepares to read.
    This is sure to be what happens in real life cos these things never lie…
    SANCIA turns into a ‘dumb model’ stereotype.
    Monday… off to Paris for a Chanel parade.
    5 am: Got up, spent two hours examining face for pimples; plucked eyebrows; shaved armpits; waxed legs; changed hair colour; practiced looking bored.
    7 am: Ate cornflake.
    One minute past seven: Threw up.
    Five minutes past seven: Did one thousand sit-ups; caught cab to airport. Accidentally fell down grate in car park.
    10 am: Rescued by SWAT team who pulled me out with magnet on my belly button ring. Lucky I didn’t get my nipples pierced!
    11 am: Wow! Sat next to Mick Jagger in first class… I mean, so what, sat next to Mick in first class…
    Five minutes past eleven: Mick fell asleep and dribbled on my Armani jacket. Erghh… even though he ‘moves like Jagger’ he is still a million years old.
    Spent next 12 hours flying to Paris trying to do crossword.
    Hmm… what’s a four letter word meaning: ‘Any substance containing nutrients such as carbohydrates, proteins and fats which can be eaten by a living organism and metabolised into energy and body tissue?’
    Too hard… filed nails instead.
    7 pm: Backstage at Chanel… make-up team arrive with sticky tape, Spakfilla, scaffolding, and orbital sander.
    9 pm: I’ve made it! Here I am on the Paris catwalk, under the glare of a million flashbulbs.
    10 pm: Taken to Paris hospital with temporary blindness and two detached retinas.
    Midnight: A great day. I lost weight! Yay for me!
    BITCH!
    SANCIA picks up another magazine, very annoyed.
    My mother is obsessed with this idea that I have an eating disorder, so she’s always leaving magazines like this lying around ‘accidentally on purpose’.
    What’s this? ‘TEN TELL-TALE SIGNS THAT YOU HAVE AN EATING DISORDER’. Well, let’s just have a look at this shall we?
    1. SEVERE WEIGHT LOSS
    Look, I just have this incredibly fast metabolism… I eat heaps, as much as I like, more than most people. I just burn off heaps when I’m under stress. I was overweight anyway, so it’s not like it was severe. Some people are genetically thin. Look at the celebrities… they just totally pig out. I didn’t even think about my weight… it just fell off.
    2. CHANGES IN THE PATTERN OF MEALTIMES
    It’s just a Western concept anyway, the idea that we all eat together like a herd of cows. Look, I’m just one of those people who doesn’t eat breakfast, and I’m always so busy at lunchtime, I forget to eat… and you get really bad nightmares if you eat late at night. All the experts say: ‘Always go to bed hungry’ and how much money do they make? As all the eastern philosophers say: ‘Follow your instincts’. And mine just tell me to eat a lot of lettuce and drink Coke Zero.
    3. OBSESSIVE PREPARATION OF FOOD
    I just love to cook… that should tell you something. I love being around food. And you know how it is when you cook, often you just aren’t hungry when the meal in on the table. But I do love to watch people eat. It’s part of life. I mean I never miss an episode of Masterchef . I don’t like anyone else to prepare my food for me… it’s a ritual thing and I just want to make sure there aren’t any toxins in my body.
    4. IRRATIONAL AMOUNTS OF EXERCISE
    I am a really uptight person and if I don’t exercise I just get relly batty. Besides if you don’t exercise, you just end up getting osteoporosis. Everyone knows that. Look at the footy players, those guys spend seven hours in the gym… you could say that’s irrational but they are hardly anorexic. I think the person who wrote this article could be irrational.
    5. CONSTANT CHEWING OF GUM
    Dentists recommend you chew gum! What do I not brush my teeth now too? Besides, chewing gum