We Give a Squid a Wedgie Read Free

she could make googly eyes at some stupid teenager, then they could do it without him. He didn’t need his sister on his side anyway. She always made him watch that dumb soap opera,
Love at 30,000 Feet
. ­Without her, he could watch whatever he wanted. She wasn’t his boss. She didn’t get to tell him what to do.
    He glanced over his shoulder to make sure she was watching him storm off. He had an idea that would really get on her nerves.
    Just then, the server with the tray of octopus and calamari passed by. Oliver grabbed a big ­handful of the purplish blobs and brownish lumps and smiled at his sister. Then he shoved the blobs and the lumps into his mouth.
    “No!” yelled Celia across the room. Everyone fell silent. She couldn’t believe what her brother had just done.
    “You don’t tell me what to do!” Oliver yelled back across the room at her, spitting bits of calamari out of his mouth.
    “It’s not that,” said Celia. “It’s . . . you’re . . .” She pointed behind him.
    “Dude,” Corey Brandt said loudly. “Like, ­D-U-D-E, dude.”
    “What?” Oliver asked. “What’s going on? Why is everyone looking at me like that?”
    No one was moving. The entire room just stared at Oliver.
    “Ollie,” his father said. “Don’t move.”
    “What? Why not?” Oliver peered over his shoulder where his sister was pointing, and saw that he had just put a fistful of octopus in his mouth right in front of an octopus tank.
    And the octopus did not seem happy about his friends being eaten.
    Also, the octopus had just escaped.

2
WE ARE NONPLUSSED

    OLIVER FELT A TENTACLE wrap around his left ankle. And then another wrap around his right ankle. And then another around his waist. They were sticky and harder than he expected, and much, much stronger.
    “Ah!” he yelled as Celia and Dr. Navel raced across the room to help him. The octopus was already climbing up his back and onto his head with its sharp beak ready to snap his ears off.
    “Don’t panic!” yelled his father, which was his advice for everything.
    “There’s an octopus on my head!” Oliver yelled.
    “It’s your own fault,” said Celia.
    Oliver wanted to stick his tongue out at her, but he was afraid of what the creature would do if it caught his tongue.
    “Dude!” Corey Brandt rushed over to his side.He took out his phone and snapped a picture. ­“Oliver, you’ve got an octopus on your head! That is E-P-I-C, epic!”
    “Uh,” said Oliver, not sure why the teen star was spelling everything. It must be a Hollywood thing.
    “Help,” he said quietly.
    “
Zat ees mai octo-pous!
” their deep-sea-diving host shouted from a balcony above the shark tank. He had a thick French accent that made it very hard to take him seriously, especially when he was shouting about an octopus.
    “Apologies, Jacques,” Dr. Navel shouted. “We’ll be out of your hair in no time. Well, we’ll get that octopus out of Oliver’s hair first.”
    “Quickly, please,” said Oliver.
    “Don’t worry, we’ll help you, bro,” said Corey, putting his phone away.
    “Yeah . . . um . . . bro,” said Celia, smiling at Corey. “I’ll help you.”
    She started pulling tentacles off of Oliver, making sure Corey was watching her.
    Oliver rolled his eyes. She was happy just to make fun of him until Corey came over.
    “Ow, be careful!” Oliver said.

     

     
    “We’re trying,” said Celia.
    For those of you who have never practiced the sport of octopus wrestling, one can imagine it is something like trying to wrestle a bag of Jell-O, if that bag of Jell-O was also trying to strangle you. As soon as Celia, Corey, and Dr. Navel had pried one tentacle from Oliver’s neck, another would wrap around his waist.
    “Ow!” Oliver shouted again as Celia, Corey, and Dr. Navel tugged him most of the way free. “I think it’s still got a grip with one of its tentacles.”
    “Where?” asked his father. “I can’t see it.”
    “On my . . .”