Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader Read Free

coefficient of friction…to determine the least messy way to eat spaghetti.
    • In 2002 food industry researchers reported that when children were told they couldn’t have junk food, they wanted it even more. Industry spokespeople said that the study showed that children should decide for themselves how much junk food they should eat.
    • Researchers at Northwestern University in Illinois used their federal grant money to study female sexuality…by paying female students to watch pornographic films ($75 per film).
    • A 2001 study found that 60% of men in the Czech Republic do not buy their own underwear.
    • According to a British Medical Journal report in 2003, Korean researchers have proven that karaoke is bad for your health.
    • A 2002 study by the Department of Veterans Affairs Medical Center in Vermont found that studies are often misleading.
Q: What is the most nutritious “food” in the world? A: Blood.

COME HEAR BERTHA BELCH
What’s the difference between good and evil? Maybe just a little grammar. The following are excerpts from real church bulletins .
    “Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10:00. All are invited to lunch in the Fellowship after the B.S. is done.”
    “Evening Massage—6 p.m.”
    “The pastor would appreciate if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for pancake breakfast next Sunday.”
    “For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.”
    “The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing ‘Break Forth Into Joy.’”
    “Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.”
    “Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.” “Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.”
    “The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.”
    “The Lutheran Men’s Group will meet at 6:00 p.m. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread, and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.”
    “Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.”
    “The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.”
    “This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.”
    “Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.”
Shortest verse in the Bible: John 11:35. (“Jesus wept.”)

Q & A: ASK THE EXPERTS
Everyone’s got a question they’d like answered—basic stuff, like “Why is the sky blue?” Here are a few questions, with answers from the nation’s top trivia experts .
    S UGAR PIE, HONEY BUNCH
Q: Are brown sugar, raw sugar, molasses, and honey healthier than refined white sugar?
    A: “Nutritionists agree that there is no significant amount of vitamins or minerals in any of these alternative sweeteners. So you can’t ease your guilty sweet tooth with the justification that you’re using ‘health foods.’ Honey has an additional problem in that it can cause botulism toxin to grow in the intestinal tracts of infants. It should never be given to children under one year old.
    “These days, foods can contain many other forms of sugar, such as sucrose, fructose, high fructose corn syrup and corn sweeteners. These may be hyped to seem as if they’re more nutritious…but they aren’t.” (From Old Wives’ Tales , by Sue Castle)
    NOW HEAR THIS
    Q: What makes our ears ring?
    A: “Sometimes, even in a quiet room, we hear noise that seems to come from inside our heads.
    “Behind the eardrum is a bony chamber studded with three tiny, movable bones. These bones pick up vibrations from the eardrum. Deeper in the