The Redneck Guide to Raisin' Children Read Free

also cause some people to lose all common sense and vote Republican, according to a 1989 study by Professor Harland K. Sampson. 1
    And there’s one other problem: In some Southern states, even if you get divorced, you’re still legally brother and sister. Which means you’re still stuck with seeing your dratted husband or wife once a year at family reunions.
    So when your kids get old enough to date, sneak a sample of blood from each teenager and his or her date. It won’t be that hard to get blood; redneck kids play so rough, they’re always cutting themselves on something.
    If the dating couple have the same blood type, odds are they’re related—and it’s your beholden duty to squash that budding romance by any means necessary.
    If the blood types are different, give them your blessing. But don’t let them have that big, lavish shotgun wedding until they both turn sixteen.

Explaining Eviction to Your Kids
    Rednecks are not just a mobile-home society, they’re a mobile society.
    It seems like the landlord comes around pestering redneck tenants for the rent every five or six months, so they have to regularly pack up and move in the middle of the night.
    We’ve got relatives who’ve moved so often, they keep their outhouse on wheels.
    Uncle Billy has lived in fifty-four different houses since fighting in Korea, and he hasn’t paid a penny in rent all these years. Landlords won’t even come within shouting distance of Billy’s home because he’s got a steel plate in his head, keeps his old combat carbine beside the front door, and riles easier than a pit bull.
    The property owners usually get rid of Billy just like they do a lot of uncooperative renters: They go to court and get eviction papers.
    When the sheriff’s deputy comes to your door and orders you to get out, here are some explanations you can give your young’uns:
    â€¢ “Sorry, kids, we have to move. Elvis wants to hide out here for a while.”
    â€¢ “The hound dog snatched the rent money off the table and hid it someplace. You kids seen him digging in the yard?”
    â€¢ “We just found out our neighbors are aliens and they’re going to beam you up to Pluto. There ain’t no Burger Kings on Pluto, kids!”
    â€¢ “Professor Sampson over at the junior college wants to use our family for a double-blind study. Now, we know you kids don’t want to spend six weeks wearing dark glasses and carrying white canes.”
    â€¢ “The feds are putting us in the Witness Protection Program because your daddy told on the men at work who kicked the vending machine to get free Pepsis.”

Farting: Will You Go to Hell?
    Passing gas is common among rednecks because of the foods they eat. Expect your kids to start doing it early and often, especially if you feed ’em lots of beans.
    Professor Harland K. Sampson says his research shows the five biggest causes of natural gas explosions in humans are: (1) pinto beans, (2) October beans, (3) navy beans, (4) cabbage, and (5) anything served at Shoney’s.
    The worst, of course, are pinto beans. They give you so much gas you could open your own filling station.
    Farting is politely called “pooting” in parts of the South, probably because it’s a nicer-sounding term than the “F” word.
    Although passing gas in public ain’t as frowned upon among rednecks as it is among certain other groups, you still should teach your kids when it’s sinful. Tell your children:
    â€¢ Don’t let a big fart in church. And if you do, don’t fix your mother with an accusing look and say real loud, “Well, Mommy!”
    â€¢ Don’t poot in school, unless the whole class is doing it and you can’t get singled out as the villain.
    â€¢ Don’t pass gas at the dinner table. If you feel the urge, run outside and let ’er rip where the breeze can whisk the smell away.
    When