The Redneck Guide to Raisin' Children Read Free Page B

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    When Grandpa’s in Prison
    Garth Brooks’ song saying “Mama’s in the graveyard, papa’s in the pen,” always brings a tear to our eyes when they play it on the radio. That’s because it’s so true in our household.
    Glen-Bob’s mama, Mae, passed away six years ago. And his daddy (who asked not to be identified) is serving a year and a half in the state penitentiary.
    But unlike Garth’s tune, our two tragedies ain’t connected.
    Poor Mama got whacked by a runaway cotton candy wagon during a visit to Five Flags over Alabama. She was so flattened we had to bury her in a big Domino’s pizza box.
    Then a second catastrophe hit our family when Daddy got put in the slammer after a run-in with a neighbor.
    This low-down drunk was beating his wife and she ran over to Daddy’s house to get away. Her husband tried to go in the door after her, so Daddy—who’s pushing seventy, but still has his bricklayer muscles—laid the fool out cold.
    Daddy always taught us: “Any man who hits a woman ain’t much of a man.” And he proved it that night, because he purtnear killed the wife beater with just one punch.
    So Daddy went to prison for “excessive use of force.” And we got stuck with the job of explaining his incarceration to his grandkids and great-grandkids.
    This is a ticklish situation. It’s embarrassing when you’ve got a relative in prison, and unfortunately this happens now and then among redneck families.
    How do you help your kids cope when Grandpa’s in prison?
    Here are some ideas we came up with:
    1. Hide the awful truth—turn Grandpa into a hero. Tell your children he went looking for the real killer of JFK and mysteriously disappeared from the Texas Book Suppository.
    2. Say that Grandpa got a job out of town at a license plate factory, but he’ll be back as soon as they get up to z.
    3. Tell your kids the truth, that Grandpa’s behind bars. Then stretch the truth a bit by swearing he was framed—and you’re looking for the one-armed man that really done it.
    4. Pretend Grandpa’s still with you. Set a plate for him at the table. On his birthday, buy a cake and join the grandkids in singing, “For He’s a Jolly Good Felon.”
    5. Make up bumper stickers for your kids’ lunch boxes that say PROUD GRANDSON OF A TRUSTEE AT ___________ STATE PRISON.
    Just Say “Hell, No!” to Drugs
    Drugs are ruining America. Look at all the crime and violence in the big cities. You and your kids ain’t safe on some big-city streets unless you’re all wearing Middle Ages armor and carrying a four-shot howitzer.
    We agree with ol’ Charlie Daniels when he sings about taking drug dealers out in the swamp, tying them to a stump, and letting the alligators and snakes do the rest. Crack pushers, especially, are killers and don’t deserve to live among us decent folk.
    Even Professor Harland K. Sampson, who’s as mild-mannered as Wally Cox, gets hopping mad when he talks about drug dealers. He says they ought to be put on the “endangered feces list.”
    But sad to say, these lowlifes are always going to be around and tempting your children. So you’ve got to educate your kids early in life about the dangers of crack, PCP, heroin, and other drugs.
    Pound it into your boys that if they get hooked on hard drugs, they’ll never be able to afford a pickup truck. That should be enough to scare the wits out of true redneck boys and steer them clear of brain-altering substances.
    As for your girls—warn them until you’re blue in the face that if they don’t resist the lure of drugs, they’ll never have a home with a nice new vinyl kitchen floor and genuine Kenmore appliances.
    Explain to your children all the good things that come with a drug-free life. For example, they won’t have to worry about being rushed by ambulance from the carnival to the