The Ex-Boyfriend's Handbook Read Free

it’s time you thought about getting another job…” Like I say—just the usual.’
    Dan rolls his eyes. ‘Jesus, mate. How long has that been the usual?’
    ‘Er…last six months, I guess.’
    ‘Six months? Did you not think something might be wrong?’
    I shake my head. ‘I just thought it was part of that “Women, can’t live with them…” stuff.’
    ‘Any other signs? Everything all right with her job?’
    I shrug. ‘I guess. We didn’t really talk about her work that much.’
    ‘What about her emotional state?’
    I take a sip of my beer. ‘What do you mean?’
    ‘Well, for example, I once went out with a girl who was so emotional she cried at the slightest of things. Kittens, soppy films, you name it. One whiff of anything sentimental and on came the waterworks. Even, a couple of times, after sex.’ He grins at the memory. ‘Was Jane ever like that?’
    I think back to our recently all too infrequent below-duvet liaisons. ‘She never cried after sex. Though the last time…’
    ‘The last time?’
    ‘She, er, cried during.’
    Dan attempts unsuccessfully to smother a laugh, but to his credit tries a bit harder when he realizes I’m not joking.
    I light a cigarette and blow smoke at the ceiling. ‘Why didn’t she say something? Rather than just upping and leaving me like this?’
    ‘It sounds to me like she was trying to.’ Dan waves my smoke away but for once decides not to comment on what he usually refers to as my ‘filthy habit’. ‘How long had the two of you been going out for again?’
    ‘Jesus, Dan. Try not to talk about Jane and me in the past tense so quickly please. Ten years.’
    ‘Bloody hell! Ten years? A whole decade?’ Dan’s longest ever relationship probably just about lasted a month, and that’s only because he was ill for two weeks in the middle of it all.
    ‘Yup.’
    ‘And did you, I mean, do you, love her?’
    I redden slightly. ‘What do you think?’
    ‘And you never thought about, you know,’ he lowers his voice, ‘the “m” word?’
    I shake my head. ‘I kind of just…assumed that we’d always be together.’
    ‘Did you ever tell her that? In more romantic terms, obviously.’
    I stare glumly into my beer. ‘Obviously not.’
    ‘Ah.’
    Dan pretends to be interested in something floating in his wine glass until I break the awkward silence.
    ‘I mean, it’s not as if I’ve ever cheated on her.’
    ‘Never? Not even once? In ten years?’ says Dan, aghast.
    I look back angrily at him. ‘No. Of course not. We don’t all have your…’
    ‘Opportunities?’
    ‘I was going to use the word “morals”, but that would suggest that on some level you actually had a few.’
    Dan shrugs. ‘Harsh, but fair.’
    ‘I mean, okay, so maybe I wasn’t the most attentive of boyfriends. But I was faithful. And reliable. And…’ I struggle to find something else, ‘good at my job.’
    Dan shakes his head. ‘Doesn’t matter a jot, mate. Funny creatures, women. Do you think Mrs. Einstein was impressed with all that stuff about Albert’s relatives?’
    ‘ Relativity , Dan.’
    ‘Exactly. Nope, she was more concerned whether he remembered her birthday, or forgot to put the toilet seat down.’
    I sit there miserably for a while, until Dan leans across to me. ‘Listen,’ he says, ‘would it make you feel any better if I told you that she tried it on with me once?’
    I look up with a start. ‘She didn’t, did she?’
    ‘Nope. But would it make it easier if I said she did?’
    ‘Be serious, Dan. Did Jane ever say anything to you? About us?’
    He shakes his head. ‘Nothing.’
    ‘You’re sure?’
    ‘Yup. Oh, apart from that she wished that you were more like me. And had a bigger…’
    ‘Dan!’
    ‘Relax!’ He rolls his eyes. ‘I’m just trying to cheer you up.’
    ‘Dan, cheering someone up normally consists of trying to make them feel better about themselves , not harping on about how great you are.’
    Dan looks surprised.