The Ex-Boyfriend's Handbook Read Free Page B

them.’
    I’m not quite getting Dan’s warped logic. ‘So your point is?’
    Dan looks at me patronizingly. ‘My point is, mastermind, and it’s just a thought, that maybe you didn’t just “let yourself go” by accident. Maybe, subconsciously, you wanted to split up with Jane. And the easiest way for that to happen without you being the bad guy was for her to leave you. So how did you achieve that? By letting yourself get into a state where she didn’t find you attractive any more.’
    The pub has filled up a little, and I think that I must be struggling to hear Dan correctly above the noise of the assembled drinkers.
    ‘So let me get this straight. You’re saying that I’ve gradually come to realize over the last ten years that Jane and I aren’t suited any more, and so recently I’ve been cunningly stuffing my face in an attempt to make her leave me, rather than me just do the easy thing which is turn round and say, “Jane, it’s not working.” And what’s more, I’ve been doing this without knowing it?’
    Dan shrugs. ‘No, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m just suggesting that it’s a possibility. That’s all.’
    ‘That’s bollocks.’
    Dan holds up his hands. ‘Hey—don’t shoot the messenger. It’s just an idea.’
    ‘Well it’s a stupid idea. Why on earth would I want Jane to leave me? Particularly when we’ve been together for so long.’
    ‘All I’m saying is, where relationships are concerned, don’t confuse length with strength. Jane was a very different person when you first met her, and as we’ve just seen, you were a very different person then too. What are the chances that over the last ten years you’ve both evolved in exactly the same direction? I mean, look at her now, quite the high-flying career woman, always chasing the next promotion, another challenge. You’ve been in the same job since you left college, and the biggest decision you have to make every day is what to have for lunch.’
    I can’t quite believe this. ‘So we’ve grown apart? Is that what you think?’
    ‘Possibly.’
    ‘And therefore I’ve driven her away, so I can find someone more suitable?’
    ‘Maybe.’
    I shake my head. ‘Well, have you considered that the problem with that approach is that it leaves me in pretty bad shape to go out and meet someone better, doesn’t it?’
    Dan folds his arms defensively. ‘I don’t make the rules, do I?’
    ‘Thank goodness!’
    Dan tries a different tack. ‘So you think the two of you are still compatible?’
    ‘Of course!’
    ‘Well then, let me ask you this. What is it, sorry, was it, that made her so special, in your opinion?’
    ‘Well, the way she…How she…Well, lots of things.’
    ‘Okay. So tell me something. If you went out to a bar now and saw Jane across the room, would you fancy her? Would you think you and her could have a life together?’
    I don’t even have to consider my answer. ‘Yes. Obviously.’
    ‘And what do you think she’d do if she saw you for the first time now? Do you think she’d fancy you? Or would she break into a rousing chorus of “Who ate all the pies?’”
    ‘Well, I think she’d…I mean, hope she would…’ I stop myself, because Dan has picked up the two photographs and turned them round so I can see them or, more specifically, see myself in them. And suddenly, shockingly, sadly, whilst I don’t like where he’s going with this, I can see exactly where he’s coming from.
    As I sit there, struggling to come to terms with this revelation, Dan leans smugly back in his seat. Unfortunately he’s forgotten that he’s on a stool and nearly topples over, but even this admittedly amusing spectacle can’t raise a smile from me. Embarrassed, he looks around to check that no one’s seen, only to catch Wendy smirking at him from behind the bar.
    Dan regains his composure and drains his glass, satisfied that he’s fulfilled his counselling duties for the evening.
    ‘So, what now?’ he asks.
    I