The Confession Read Free

three condom
wrappers in my pocket, and I counted three used condoms. My
heart leaped in my chest when I noticed one of them has a hole
in it. When did this happen? Did I rip it when I shoved them into
my pocket? I can’t remember.
    The next few days pass in a blur. I
feel like a robot. I go to work, come home, and hide in my
apartment. I don’t answer the phone. I can’t face my family. I
can’t handle the guilt. Several days pass and I feel like I am
suffocating. I need to find absolution. I know of only one place
where I can beg for forgiveness.
    I feel like a hypocrite as
I open the church doors. The church is empty so I walk over to
the confessional and push back the curtain. I kneel before the
screen and bless myself. “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
It has been several years since my last confession. Father…I…I
don’t know how to confess my sin.”
    “Whatever you say to me
young man, know that Our Lord will absolve you of your sin
with penance and sacrifice. Please, tell me, son. What is your sin?”
    “Father, I committed a crime. I put a
drug in her drink, and in a moment of anger and jealousy, I had sex
with her. The drug I gave her affects the memory. How can I live
with myself knowing the truth? I am hiding from everyone. I can’t
hurt my family. I don’t know what to do.”
    “My son, I cannot tell you
what you want to hear. Forgiveness comes with sacrifice. What are
you willing to sacrifice as penance for your sin?”
    “I have to go away. Where can I go? How
will God ever forgive me?”
    “Let he
who is without sin cast the first stone, young man. It is how you choose to absolve your sin that is a
testament to your love of Our Lord Jesus Christ.”
    “I understand Father, and I know what I
need to do.” When I leave the confessional, I sit in my favorite
pew. I have so many happy memories of this church. I was proud to
be an altar boy. I felt important. When did my life spiral out of
control? When did I lose my faith? Thinking back, I remember the
exact moment when I lost my faith. Finding the adoption papers
changed me. I became resentful and bitter. It’s obvious to me that
I have to change my life. I am an addict, and as long as I stay
here, nothing will change. I am the only person who can change the
course of my life.
    With a heavy heart, I walked away from
the church. I continue to avoid my family. I can’t face them. I
can’t face…her. I will have to live with this memory for the
remainder of my miserable fucking life. I know of only one way to
atone for my sin. I know this will change my life. Can I be happy
as a priest? I have no choice. I must leave.
    My parents will never understand my
decision to become a priest. They are a religious family, however;
my father expects me to marry and have a family of my own. That
will never happen now, and I have to find a way to live with
myself. Acting like the coward that I am, I write a letter to my
parents rather than talking to them face to face.
    Dear Mom and Dad,
    “I know I have been absent
these past few weeks, and I apologize if it caused you to worry. I
have been thinking about the sorry state of my life. I have prayed
for guidance, and God has answered my prayers. I am leaving home in
an attempt to start a new life. I’m not happy with my life, and as
you have probably seen, my drinking and other vices have clouded my
judgment. I’m sorry that I do not have the courage to face you. By
the time you read this letter, I will be gone from your lives. I
have done something that causes me great distress. I hurt someone
that I love, and I hate myself. I can’t look at her without
screaming. I don’t like who I have become. Jealousy and bitterness
have consumed my soul. I will have to live with this memory until I
die. I feel like dying now. I loved her, and it destroyed me when
she married him. I was drunk and on cocaine and I drugged her wine
and had sex with her. The drug I used is supposed to prevent her
from remembering