The Body Language Rules Read Free Page A

Heckling .

    When your words, tone, and body language all say different things it's incongruent . For the listener or audience this creates a state of cognitive dissonance--that is, they receive conflicting signals and are unsure about which message to believe . For their own intellectual comfort they'll opt for the most reliable and this means it's the body language that they will usually assume to be the more honest communicator . We think it's harder to fix and rig, and in many ways we're probably right . The only variable is if the listener is keen to collude with the "lie," in which case they will opt for whichever signals are giving out the message they want to hear . So a besotted lover could believe a partner who says they love them too, even though they're eyeing up someone else as they say it .

    So, avoid sending incongruent signals . Or as somebody else said once: say it straight, or you'll get it crooked .

    If your words aren't going to sit happily with your gestures you'd be better off not speaking at all because at best you'll look insincere and at worst you'll appear to be a liar . Imagine smirking when you tell someone you love them, or staring wide-eyed in horror as you try to convince your best friend that you like her new hairdo! Think of this behavior as your Personal Heckler .

    Incongruent gestures can also be what are called 8 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

    ambivalent signals . This is where there's no desire to deceive but by saying one thing while your body language suggests another means that you are presenting conflicting thoughts to an audience, which can end up confusing them .

    I once attended a presentation by a mind-numbingly dull speaker from the financial sector . If his brand of delivery could have been bottled and sold to hospitals it would have eliminated the need for an anesthetist . This man was so dull even dishwater was trying to sue for libel . Somewhere around the end of his talk he decided to tell us that his company "feels very passionate about our clients ." This flamboyant claim was accompanied by a deadpan expression and the very briefest of glances at the audience . If that was his idea of passion I just felt very sorry for his wife . While I didn't expect him to start dry humping the light projector to add emphasis to his words, I did expect a flicker of enthusiasm to light up his features . His incon- gruent delivery made a sham of the entire statement .

    hOW TO AVOID IncOngRUence

    I Try not to copy other people . Although we all learn via

    imitation it is possible to be too obvious about

    "borrowing" a signature gesture from somebody

    else . These are called absorbed actions . They might

    look good on them but appear phony on you . h O W B O d y La n g u ag e WO rk s 9

    I Video yourself speaking, both socially and professionally,

    if you give talks in your job. Spot the differences in

    delivery. Are you Jekyll and Hyde? Do you seem

    to be putting on an act? If so, spend time studying

    the more natural-looking signals and delete the rest

    from your repertoire.

    I avoid using the poker-face technique. By sitting very still

    you'll never fool people into thinking you're more

    sincere, as they'll just wonder what it is you're trying

    to hide. Small genuine movements are better than

    sitting like a statue.

    I Watch out for what's called nonverbal leakage. This is the

    essence of incongruence, when your words say one

    thing but your smaller gestures signal something else

    entirely. Find out what your pet fiddles, or "adaptors,"

    are. Adaptors are those small self-comfort touches

    we do when we feel anxious or unsure. Do you fiddle

    with jewelry or your hair? Do you straighten your

    glasses more times than is necessary? Find other

    things to do with your hands as they could be giving

    the game away as you speak.

    When you first begin to work on your own body language you'll find yourself doing what are called "self-policing" movements. This is