Snow Garden Read Free Page A

fingers as if he’d lost something in them, Oliver explained how he’d met Sally when he did the breakfast-cereal commercial a few months ago. She was in advertising. Hated it, of course.
    ‘Of course.’ Binny found herself siding with Sally as if she were a friend. And this was strange when she had lost touch with so many real ones. ‘But you’re not in love with her or anything?’ It was a joke. She was expecting him to say no.
    Instead he said, ‘This is so confusing for me.’
    She felt a ping of alarm.
    ‘Yes,’ she said; well, it was getting quite confusing for her too.
    ‘Sally is really excited about what she believes. Not like all those mothers in the playground first thing in the morning. They look as if they can’t
remember
what they believe.’
    ‘At that particular moment they’ve got their hands full. They’re amazed they’ve got their kids to school, for one thing. And that they’re dressed, for another.’ She laughed to show how fun she was.
    Oliver continued talking earnestly to her fingernails. ‘Sally’s got so many opinions. She collects ideas like … I don’t know … like other women buy shoes. She keeps me thinking. I know this sounds mad, but you’d really like her, Bin.’
    Binny felt an impulse to shout and sat on it. ‘I don’t suppose that’s important,’ she said. ‘Also, not
all
women buy shoes.’
    ‘I know I’m an arse.’
    ‘No, you’re not,’ she said.
    Oliver sighed. He sank his head to the table, as if he couldn’t bear the weight of it. Binny glimpsed beneath his T-shirt the secret smooth skin of his shoulders and the sprinkling of freckles. His back would be golden again by the summer and the freckles would be washed away. She longed to slip her hand down there, to touch the warm softness of him. She thought of lying naked at his side and then her heart took a plunge. She realized with a terrible, blank and absolute clarity that it was over.
    ‘What’s up, Bin?’ said Oliver. ‘You’ve gone a funny colour.’
    ‘I’m just trying to understand.’
    She would never touch his bare skin again. From this moment onwards they must behave like two people who only knew one another in clothes. Her breath was snatched clean out of her. She felt hollowed.
    ‘I wanted to say something to you before,’ he said. ‘I
should
have said something. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it, Bin. Oh, I feel really shit.’
    ‘No, no, you mustn’t,’ she said, groping for the companionship of his fingers. But he dipped his hand between his knees and her arm was left shipwrecked on the table.
    Oliver told her that Sally loved all the words to his songs. (I love them too, thought Binny; I just didn’t tell you.) Sally said he was a gifted musician, as well as an actor. ‘It’s not just the sex,’ he added. They had only done it six times. Twice after the commercial, twice in the van—
    ‘Not
my
van?’ gasped Binny. The words shot out. She never normally referred to things as her own.
    —and twice at her parents’ place.
    ‘Her
parents’
?’
    ‘She’s moved out. She had to. Now there’s going to be a baby.’
    Binny slumped as if she’d been walloped in the spine. Sex? Parents? Baby? There was not enough room in her lungs for the words and the breath and the emotions that were beginning to swell there in an amorphous gloop.
    Oliver flexed his silvery-blue toes. His eyes melted. ‘I’m sorry, Bin. I’ve got to do the decent thing. I mean, I’m only realizing this as I say it. I kind of hoped the problem would go away on its own. But it’s because of you, Bin.’
    ‘What’s because of me, hon?’
    ‘You’re such a good person. Now I’m telling you, I’m sort of seeing it through your eyes. And I’m seeing I’ve got to stick by her. She’s petrified. She needs me.’
    Binny gazed at him, and tried to speak, but couldn’t. All she knew was that nothing made sense, as if someone had cut a space out of time and had failed to tell her.
    Then,