Sleep Talkin' Man Read Free

conversation then.
:
ADAM :
You’ll be like, “Yeah, this really IS nice!”:
    Good morning.
I just wanted to be the first person to call you a twat. Enjoy your day.
    Oooh. You know what would be good? Ass bags. Big bags full of ass.
    You know, you’re not some precious flower. And if you were I’d be a weed and grow next to you and CHOKE YOU TO FUCKING DEATH! … Love you.
    Don’t worry. I’ll find it. That’s what I do, find things. I find you annoying. See?
    Fuck! If I don’t get to the motherfucking flower show, I’m gonna fucking kill someone!
    You’re so vain, you probably think even the mannequins are checking you out.
Idiot.
    Don’t worry. If you kick one bunny, then all the rest will scatter.
    Hurray for me! Yup, I said it. Now the rest of you can join in.
    Oh, there are some noises that really bug the shit out of me. Your talking … and your breathing.
    Why don’t you call back later, and we’ll see whether we can get the world to revolve around you.
    Of course the zombie loved me. She gave me her heart. Mmmmm-hmmm. And her hand in marriage.
    Great. So you ’ ve fallen in love again. Go wash yourself off. Dirty stuff.
    Skipping to work makes everything better.
    Yes, I can get away with wearing leather chaps. Just not on a windy day.
    It’s time to don our cow masks and scare the salad out of her. I love Veggieween.
    Even your reflection thinks you’re a pathetic piece of scum. Now leave me be. I’ve got some breathing to do.
    My pony ’ s for sale….
Yes, it fucking works!
I wanna get a stripey zebra instead.
    I’m gonna puke in your pants. I’m gonna be the knicker puker. Yeah.
    You know, with you you you, it’s all me me me. Well fuck fuck fuck fuck you you you.
    Can you hold my starfish? It doesn’t like it when I’m getting excited. Oh look, it likes you! Its legs are all creepy creepy.
    I can ’ t control the kittens.
Too many whiskers!
Too many whiskers!
    Hands up who wants sweets!
Hands up! Awwwwww, you’ve got no hands.
Sucks to be you, sweets for me.
    Pygmy goat herding sucks. I’ve got this fucking teacup pig for a ride, and they just all laugh at me. Fucking mini-bearded bitches.
    With just a little perspective, you will agree that you’re a festered limp fucking dick. Shrivel up my friend, shrivel up.
    I ’ m gonna have a great day …
Don ’ t you fuck it up.
    I have succumbed to temptation! Mankini or body wax? Decisions, decisions …
    I’ve got something for you. It’s a future. And you can have it when you leave.
    Oh, I hope you take this advice to heart: you look fat when you cry.
    It ’ s taken me years to get things just fucking right, and one monkey comes along and ruins everything!
Stupid monkey! Grrrr.
    This little tampon went out, this little tampon stayed home. This little tampon had an applicator, this little tampon had none. This little tampon’s covered in … poop. WRONG HOLE, PEOPLE! Wrong hole.
    Yeah, keep laughing. Laugh your fucking face off, you giggling little freak.
    â€œIt’s definitely time to get up.
    Yes. My dog needs a new tutu.”
    Adam’s bouts of sleep talking often culminate in a spontaneous awakening. Sometimes those awakenings are mild but odd, with a sudden intake of breath and an immediate declaration of some tidbit of information that, considering that he has just emerged from sleep, turns out to be surprisingly relevant to the day; more often, his awakenings are dramatic affairs: a exclamation yelled into the silence or a fist to the headboard. In either case, Adam is instantly alert.
    Since he often wakes up to find me giggling next to him, Adam gets just as excited to hear what he has said in his sleep as I am to tell him. Our ensuing conversations—dubbed “reveals” by me—can get pretty wacky. Luckily for me, the recorder is generally still going, allowing me tochuckle over them