Sleep Talkin' Man Read Free Page A

later.
    Sometimes Awake Adam carries on with STM’s flight of fancy. For example:
    â€œDon’t let the midget out of the wardrobe. No! He doesn’t come out until Thursday … Not until Thursday.”
ME:
You said, “Don’t let the midget out of the wardrobe. He doesn’t come out until Thursday.”
:
ADAM :
He’s got to polish all my shoes. Cleans my shoes, straightens my shirts, and guards against moths. Thursday is his day off.:
ME:
Are moths afraid of midgets?
:
ADAM :
He eats the moths.:
ME:
Oh. Does he get to eat anything else?
:
ADAM :
Moths and dust.:
ME:
Dust is mostly human skin cells.
:
ADAM :
He eats dust.:
ME:
So, you’re saying he’s a cannibal. Aren’t you afraid of keeping a cannibal around the house?
:
ADAM:
No, I don’t keep him around the house. I keep him in the wardrobe.:
ME:
Where does he go on Thursday?
:
ADAM:
I let him out so he can stretch his legs. It doesn’t take much. He likes to skateboard.:
ME:
Does he?
:
ADAM :
Apparently so. I see him going up and down the hill. Then at six o’clock in the evening on the dot, he bounces back into the wardrobe. He likes it there. It’s cozy. He’s made a little nest in my T-shirts.:
ME:
No wonder your T-shirts smell like that.
:
ADAM :
(calling out toward the closet): I love you, midget!: Next year I’ll give you a name.
    Other times, STM’s utterances inspire Adam and me to examine life’s important questions:
    â€œJesus nipples on ice! I am NOT going shopping for hamster wigs!”
ME:
Are hamster wigs wigs for hamsters, or wigs for people made out of hamster fur?
:
ADAM :
Ooh, that’s a good question. Well, if it was the latter, how many hamsters would have to be used?:
ME:
Well, is it a toupee, or is it a long-hair wig?
:
ADAM :
It’s a patch job.:
ME:
Then maybe you’ll need, like, six hamsters.
:
ADAM :
I reckon it sounds like I’m shopping for my hamster. My hamster needs a wig.:
ME:
Is it for Halloween?
:
ADAM :
I was actually thinking it was for his self-esteem.:
ME:
Awwww.
:
ADAM :
Little baldy hamster.:
ME:
Why does he have low self-esteem?
:
ADAM :
He’s bald!:
ME:
Ok, now, a hamster wig, is it just for the hamster’s head, or is it the whole body?
:
ADAM :
I don’t know. I’m just imagining this tiny little hamster with an ill-fitting, wrong-colored little head wig. But he’s happy.
    After this conversation, we Googled “hamster wig” and, amazingly, came across a picture exactly as Adam had described. Some people just have too much time on their hands (… says the woman who spends her free time transcribing recordings of her husband talking in his sleep).
    Hold me.
I want you to feel greatness.
    I’m sorry, but, you can take your can-do attitude and fuck it ‘till it’s raw. Can you do that? Can you?
    Oh! It’s a poltergoat. A poltergoat!
You can’t see ‘em, but you find all your clothes chewed. If you listen carefully, you may hear a ghostly baaaahhhhh.
    Poltergoat! Baaaahhhhh.
    You must be a cunt. Or a lawyer. Yeah, a lawyer.
    CAKE-A-DOODLE-DOOoo!
It ’ s cake for breakfast!
    She’s knitting me a jumper.
Fuck! I don’t want to be a social outcast.
Oh, not good.
    Ghosts going bump in the night.
Clumsy fuckers.
    Lead me not to the telephone, but deliver me some e-mail.
    I ’ m like a vulnerable fawn in the woods. One that happens to carry an uzi, some ninja throwing stars, and a motherfucking bazooka.
    I’m totally too bad-ass for tango.
Cha cha cha!
    The carrots are winning! Damn those parsnips and their stupid infighting.
They’ve got so much to learn. Bring on the swede. Ooooh, that’ll show ‘em.
    Oh, don’t worry, dear. The spot doesn’t make you ugly. No no no. The rest of your face, now THAT makes you ugly.
The spot’s just a highlight.
    Ha ha ha. Who ’ s crying now? No, not you, you ’ ve got no tear ducts, you tearless freak!
    If you