Seven Seasons of Buffy: Science Fiction and Fantasy Authors Discuss Their Favorite Television Show (Smart Pop series) Read Free Page B

Slayer: 6
Saveage of other “Scoobies”: 8
Saveage of innocent civilians: 6 *
(with force multiplier for potential destruction of Sunnydale)
    THE THIRD YEAR
    “Excuse me? Who, at a crucial moment, distracted the lead demon by allowing her to pummel him about the head?”
    With the Slayer once again abandoning her post in Sunnydale, Team Evil had a prime opportunity to destroy all that was good and pure.
    Which we apparently, again, muffed. 16
    The Scooby Gang, minus the Slayer, apparently triumphed over 60% of supernatural perils sent their way. The remaining 40% were, apparently, notproperly instructed to simply KILL THEM. It’s easy to understand the confusion; obviously, being evil, we like to toy with and torture the innocent.
    However, I believe we might want to consider a retraining program to cut down on the taunting and maiming in favor of the KILLING THEM DEAD.
    In any case, this percentage presents an important clue that the Slayer is only 40% effective in fighting evil. Clearly, this eliminates Buffy Summers from any serious consideration as the M.P.I.F.F.G., giving Xander the inside track to the title.
    Witness the destruction he achieved to our cause in his third year as a follower of the Slayer:
    •    His use of the moniker “Nighthawk” either struck terror into the hearts of his evil foes, or possibly confused them into believing that he had gone insane.
    •    During another ill-fated attempt to open the Hellmouth and achieve our goal of hell on Earth, Xander not only saved one Slayer (Faith 17 ), he also ultimately saved the other Slayer, all the Scoobies, and assorted innocents by forcing one of our less-than-brilliant evil minions to defuse a bomb. (Zombies. What can you do?) And how many “normal” guys can say they’ve done the post-fight horizontal mambo with a Slayer? Few. And fewer still breathing.
    •    Xander actually prevented the horrible deaths of hundreds of Sunnydale students by discovering one of our Evil Minions planting rat poison in the cafeteria food. Coincidence? I think not. The Slayer was entirely on the wrong track. Obviously, Xander was forced to reveal himself as the godlike force for good that he is in this instance.
    •    Last—and most importantly—he acted as a general during the pitched battle on Graduation Day, marshalling students against the Forces of Darkness. Ascension Day. Another busted opportunity. What a gyp.
     
    THIRD YEAR SCORE :
Unassisted saveage of the Slayer: 1
Assisted saveage of the Slayer: 3
(down from previous years!)
Saveage of other “Scoobies”: 5
Saveage of innocent civilians: hundreds, counting the graduating
seniors of Sunnydale High
    THE FOURTH YEAR
    “Are you kidding? I put the semper in Semper Fi. I might not be able to assemble an M-16 blindfolded like I used to or pass weapons drill from the mobile infantry . . . Might as well face it. Right now, I don’t have the technical skills to join the Swiss Army. And all those guys ask you to do is uncork a couple of sassy Cabernets.”
    Without Xander, Buffy Summers 18 would be just another corpse being identified from dental records. Who gave Buffy the pep talk to fight back against her enemies at the start of their fourth year of defending the world against evil? Xander. Who fetched her weapons when she was being creamed by Sunday, certainly my favorite vampire of the ’80s? 19 Again. Xander.
    Granted, he did bring back that pesky Chumash vengeance spirit, which resulted in various disgusting diseases inhabiting his flesh. Good one, Professor. Really liked the syphilis thing; that was a nice touch.
    His heroics didn’t end with just human beings, oh no. He even stepped in to decoy enemies away from the not-then-ensouled-and-still-sort-of-evil Spike. His military experience constantly benefited the Slayer as she struggled against the Initiative.
    Without Xander’s untimely intervention, Buffy and her new not-very-normal boyfriend Riley might well have melted Sunnydale into