ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny. ~Albert Ellis
RELATIONSHIP BUILDER FOUR
Let Go of Offenses
Relationships can provide us with the greatest joy and deepest pain we may ever experience. When we feel hurt by our partners, we may respond in many different ways. We might become angry, vengeful, or argumentative. Not knowing how to deal with the pain, we may retaliate by withdrawing and distancing ourselves from the relationship. These reactions only make problems worse and are damaging to the relationship.
What kinds of things offend us?
We sometimes become offended when our partner unintentionally ignores our needs. We somehow assume that our partner knows what we need and when we need it. He or she also has needs just as we do, and we are not always aware of them if they are not shared. It is unfair to allow our unmet expectations get us upset with our spouse if we have not clearly expressed the need. When thoughts like: “She must not care about my need for affection.” Or “He does not want to spend time together” go unchallenged, there is an open door to hurt feelings, misunderstanding, and anger.
We may hold on to offenses when issues are not resolved. Amy has been having conflicts with her mother-in-law that is affecting her marriage. She and David discussed the problem many times with no resolutions. So the issue becomes a topic of discussion again and again. A clear indication that something is not resolved is that it is brought up over and over again. In this situation, working out a plan to make some changes may be necessary. Relationships require teamwork. If either partner is unhappy about a matter and has unresolved issues or unmet needs, it is something that must be addressed. Otherwise, grudges are held, distancing occurs and it hurts the relationship. As Amy’s frustration continues, she may become argumentative and rejecting of David and he may withdraw from her. Working together to resolve issues helps couples to let go of their offenses and anger.
When couples address their offenses, let go of them, forgive, and reconnect, they strengthen their bond and restore their unity with one another. They also become less likely to underestimate their partner’s loving intentions. Instead of drawing away from one another, they draw closer.
SAY IT & BELIEVE IT
Read aloud (individually or together):
Every day allows me the opportunity to get offended by something ( spouse’s name ) says or does. Regardless of his/her actions or intentions, I am accountable for my own response. I remind myself today that some things that hurt my feelings or make me angry are done unintentionally and with no malice in mind. I choose to let go of assumptions that lead me to think _____ is against me. If I have unmet needs and am offended that _____ is not meeting them, I will not nurse my anger or hold a grudge against him/her.
I want to guard my marriage against offenses that can develop from ongoing frustrations. I will be open to signs of unresolved issues _____ may have. If _____ brings up a matter that is bothering him/her I will not ignore, neglect, or minimize it. Instead, I will work through it with him/her.
I choose to not allow offenses to block and hinder my marriage in any way. Today I choose to release _____ of any offenses I may have harbored in my heart against him/her. I choose to forgive _____ when he/she is insensitive to my needs. I remind myself that I also may overlook his/her needs and not meet them at times. Instead of argue, retaliate, or withdraw from _____ when offended, I will aim to reconnect and restore my marriage.
I will not hold on to offenses or grudges against my partner, but instead I will choose to release them.
PUT IT INTO PRACTICE
Throughout each day this week, be aware of the things that offend you. It could be your spouse’s attitude, conversations, comments, mannerisms, habits, things
RELATIONSHIP BUILDER FOUR
Let Go of Offenses
Relationships can provide us with the greatest joy and deepest pain we may ever experience. When we feel hurt by our partners, we may respond in many different ways. We might become angry, vengeful, or argumentative. Not knowing how to deal with the pain, we may retaliate by withdrawing and distancing ourselves from the relationship. These reactions only make problems worse and are damaging to the relationship.
What kinds of things offend us?
We sometimes become offended when our partner unintentionally ignores our needs. We somehow assume that our partner knows what we need and when we need it. He or she also has needs just as we do, and we are not always aware of them if they are not shared. It is unfair to allow our unmet expectations get us upset with our spouse if we have not clearly expressed the need. When thoughts like: “She must not care about my need for affection.” Or “He does not want to spend time together” go unchallenged, there is an open door to hurt feelings, misunderstanding, and anger.
We may hold on to offenses when issues are not resolved. Amy has been having conflicts with her mother-in-law that is affecting her marriage. She and David discussed the problem many times with no resolutions. So the issue becomes a topic of discussion again and again. A clear indication that something is not resolved is that it is brought up over and over again. In this situation, working out a plan to make some changes may be necessary. Relationships require teamwork. If either partner is unhappy about a matter and has unresolved issues or unmet needs, it is something that must be addressed. Otherwise, grudges are held, distancing occurs and it hurts the relationship. As Amy’s frustration continues, she may become argumentative and rejecting of David and he may withdraw from her. Working together to resolve issues helps couples to let go of their offenses and anger.
When couples address their offenses, let go of them, forgive, and reconnect, they strengthen their bond and restore their unity with one another. They also become less likely to underestimate their partner’s loving intentions. Instead of drawing away from one another, they draw closer.
SAY IT & BELIEVE IT
Read aloud (individually or together):
Every day allows me the opportunity to get offended by something ( spouse’s name ) says or does. Regardless of his/her actions or intentions, I am accountable for my own response. I remind myself today that some things that hurt my feelings or make me angry are done unintentionally and with no malice in mind. I choose to let go of assumptions that lead me to think _____ is against me. If I have unmet needs and am offended that _____ is not meeting them, I will not nurse my anger or hold a grudge against him/her.
I want to guard my marriage against offenses that can develop from ongoing frustrations. I will be open to signs of unresolved issues _____ may have. If _____ brings up a matter that is bothering him/her I will not ignore, neglect, or minimize it. Instead, I will work through it with him/her.
I choose to not allow offenses to block and hinder my marriage in any way. Today I choose to release _____ of any offenses I may have harbored in my heart against him/her. I choose to forgive _____ when he/she is insensitive to my needs. I remind myself that I also may overlook his/her needs and not meet them at times. Instead of argue, retaliate, or withdraw from _____ when offended, I will aim to reconnect and restore my marriage.
I will not hold on to offenses or grudges against my partner, but instead I will choose to release them.
PUT IT INTO PRACTICE
Throughout each day this week, be aware of the things that offend you. It could be your spouse’s attitude, conversations, comments, mannerisms, habits, things
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