Regeneration Read Free

self-conscious stammer of the neurasthenic.
    ‘While I remember, Captain Graves rang to say he’ll be along some time after dinner. He sent his apologies for missing the train.’
    ‘He is still coming?’
    ‘Yes.’
    Sassoon looked relieved. ‘Do you know, I don’t think Graves’s caught a train in his life? Unless somebody was there to put him on it.’
    ‘We were rather concerned about you.’
    ‘In case the lunatic went missing?’
    ‘I wouldn’t put it quite like that.’
    ‘I was all right. I wasn’t even surprised, I thought he’d slept in. He’s been doing a… a lot of rushing round on my behalf recently. You’ve no idea how much work goes into rigging a Medical Board.’
    Rivers pushed his spectacles up on to his forehead andmassaged the inner corners of his eyes. ‘No, I don’t suppose I have. You know this may sound naïve but… to me … the accusation that a Medical Board has been rigged is quite a serious one.’
    ‘I’ve no complaints. I was dealt with in a perfectly fair and reasonable way. Probably better than I deserved.’
    ‘What kind of questions did they ask?’
    Sassoon smiled. ‘Don’t you know?’
    ‘I’ve read the report, if that’s what you mean. I’d still like to hear your version.’
    ‘Oh: “Did I object to fighting on religious grounds?” I said I didn’t. It was rather amusing, actually. For a moment I thought they were asking me whether I objected to going on a crusade. “Did I think I was qualified to decide when the war should end?” I said I hadn’t thought about my qualifications.’ He glanced at Rivers. ‘Not true. And then… then Colonel Langdon asked said “Your friend tells us you’re very good at bombing. Don’t you still dislike the Germans?”’
    A long silence. The net curtain behind Rivers’s head billowed out in a glimmering arc, and a gust of cool air passed over their faces.
    ‘And what did you say to that?’
    ‘I don’t remember.’ He sounded impatient now. ‘It didn’t matter what I said.’
    ‘It matters now.’
    ‘All right.’ A faint smile. ‘Yes, I am quite good at bombing. No, I do not still dislike the Germans.’
    ‘Does that mean you once did?’
    Sassoon looked surprised. For the first time something had been said that contradicted his assumptions. ‘Briefly. April and May of last year, to be precise.’
    A pause. Rivers waited. After a while Sassoon went on, almost reluctantly. ‘A friend of mine had been killed. For a while I used to go out on patrol every night, looking for Germans to kill. Or rather I told myself that’s what I was doing. In the end I didn’t know whether I was trying to kill them, or just giving them plenty of opportunities to kill me.’
    ‘ “Mad Jack.” ’
    Sassoon looked taken aback. ‘Graves really has talked, hasn’t he?’
    ‘It’s the kind of thing the Medical Board would need to know.’ Rivers hesitated. ‘Taking unnecessary risks is one of the first signs of a war neurosis.’
    ‘Is it?’ Sassoon looked down at his hands. ‘I didn’t know that.’
    ‘Nightmares and hallucinations come later.’
    ‘What’s an “unnecessary risk” anyway? The maddest thing I ever did was done under orders.’ He looked up, to see if he should continue. ‘We were told to go and get the regimental badges off a German corpse. They reckoned he’d been dead two days, so obviously if we got the badges they’d know which battalion was opposite. Full moon, not a cloud in sight, absolutely mad, but off we went. Well, we got there – eventually – and what do we find? He’s been dead a helluva lot longer than two days, and he’s French anyway.’
    ‘So what did you do?’
    ‘Pulled one of his boots off and sent it back to battalion HQ. With quite a bit of his leg left inside.’
    Rivers allowed another silence to open up. ‘I gather we’re not going to talk about nightmares?’
    ‘You’re in charge.’
    ‘Ye-es. But then one of the paradoxes of being an army psychiatrist