QUEENIE BABY: On Assignment Read Free

surprised.
    "There's a man with no pants outside my condo?" I asked incredulously. "Maybe you should have called the police!"
    "Well, when I hollered at him he said he knew you. And he called you by a rather familiar name," she said with a snooty sniff. "He's quite rude and much too old for you, but obviously that's none of my concern."
    I walked through the front door warily, a horrifying thought crossing mind. I heard him before I saw him.
    "Well, there's my Queenie Baby!" he exclaimed throwing open his arms and waving what looked like a wet pair of pants at me. “Come give me some sugar!”
    Mrs. Kester was right on my heels. "Obviously someone you know."  
    "Yes," I ground out.
    At the top of the stairs, stood a gray-haired, stooped man of eighty-two wearing no pants. Luckily he had on a red flannel shirt that hung down far enough to cover his parts. Strike that—most of his parts. He had a long white beard and looked for all the world like the crazy old coot he was. Granddaddy Hacker sans pants was on my doorstep.  
    I was going to kill my sister!

C HAPTER T WO

    I OPENED THE door to my condo and ushered Granddaddy Hacker inside away from Mrs. Kester’s disapproving looks. Although it looked like she might have been trying to check out Granddaddy’s package—ewwh!  
    “What’s wrong with your pants?” I asked.
    “Had a little accident when I was waterin’ your flowers out back,” he cackled. I gave him an evil look. “I had to go and that old bitty downstairs wasn’t gonna let me in to use her facilities.”
    Once I had Granddaddy settled on the couch, a remote control in one hand and a piece of beef jerky in the other and dressed in a pair of my sweat pants, I started the washer. I added extra detergent.  
    "Got anymore jerky?" he asked, never taking his eyes off the TV.  
    I put my hands on my hips. "No more jerky until you answer some questions!"  
    Granddaddy ignored my request. “My dear Jenny always kept the shelves stocked. Couldn’t cook worth a damn, but she made sure I had my jerky. Got it at a bargain too,” he added wistfully.
    Now I don't normally keep beef jerky in my cupboards, but Granddaddy had spent a couple of weeks with me last fall and the stuff doesn't seem to have an expiration date. My sister was supposed to be in charge of The Grands while The Parents were on vacation together.  
    It's a strange family situation. If this were on a reality show, you’d swear they were making it all up. “The Parents” consist of my mother, Brandy, and my stepfather, Dave, my father, George, and my stepmother, Anne. They live next door to each other in The Meadows, a 55+ golf community. On purpose. As in they bought houses right next to each other because they get along great and hang out together. Yep, I know it’s weird, but it gets weirder. They moved to The Meadows because each of The Parents have one parent of their own still living at 80+, aka “The Grands,” and things would be easier to manage if everyone was in the same place, right? The reality was that The Parents took multiple vacations every year to get away from The Grands, and my sister and I had to pick up the slack when they were gone.
    "How 'bout a beer?" Granddaddy Hacker asked.
    "No," I said sharply. "What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be in Delaware at The Meadows and Ashley is taking care of everything for you while The Parents are on vacation."
    "Yeah, yeah, quit your jawin’," he waved his hand dismissively and changed the channel.  
    "Why are you here? And how did you get here?" I asked again with exasperation.  
    "Hitched."
    "What! Do you know how dangerous that is?" Completely unbelievable. It was like talking to a teenager.
    He raised a bushy eyebrow. "'Fraid I’ll get molested?"
    "No," I said through clenched teeth, "I'm afraid you'll get dead and I’ll be blamed for it."
    "Not my time yet. Got a lot of livin’ left in me," he declared.
    "Okay, then why aren't you doing your livin’ at The