over a bad joke?"
His eyes closed.
"You can see, I want some time for myself. Please, I don't mean to be rude, Alan."
"I'm definitely not ditching you now, Holly."
"Huh?"
"I believe you said that emotional teenagers who just experienced a major tragedy shouldn't be left alone. It might lead to rash decisions."
"I'm not going to kill myself," I said.
"Probably not. You can do better by your mother than wallowing in your self pity, though."
"That's exactly what I want to do. You don't want to hang out with me right now. I'm capital D depressing right now."
He rubbed his chin. "You really not going to let me pay you back for four years ago?"
"Huh?"
"My father passed. I was devastated. You were there, giving me a shoulder to cry on. I'll never forget that, Holly. I didn't feel worthy, but you were right there for me, not judging me. Just being there was so much."
I swallowed. "You don't have to pay that back, Alan. I'll be fine."
"I want to." He walked past me and went to sit down on my couch.
I let out a breath. "I guess I'm not getting rid of you." I sat down beside him on it.
"C'mon. Let it all out. It's not like I'm going to run to the other guys and tell them you're a crybaby."
I stared at the floor as I spoke. "She was the last of my family, really. Everyone else doesn't give a damn about me. She was the one who pushed me succeed in my studies, who helped pay for my college."
"She was pretty awesome. Made a mean cookie."
"She did. A hell of a cook. I'm surprised I'm not super fat from her. Those cookies were so, so good."
"There we go, a smile. Was that so hard?"
"Yeah," my smile quickly fading. "I remembered that I wouldn't be getting any of them anymore."
"Damn. Distracting you would have been a victory."
I shook my head. "I just feel so alone. Like it's just me against the world."
"That's not true."
"How?"
"You have me. Colin and Joel too."
"You're my friends. Not the same."
"Nonsense. They'd both be over here with me if I called them."
"Then why don't you?"
Alan paused. "Cause I wanted to tell you how I feel. Joel and Colin? They care for you. They really do. But I, um,"
Cogs spun in my head. I knew where he was going with this.
"Holly, I, um, this is really hard to say," Alan said.
My jaw was hanging. I knew what he was trying to say.
"Holly, I love you." He spit out super fast, like he was embarrassed to admit it.
His eyes turned away from me. "I shouldn't have said that, I'm sorry."
Hearing those words should be a sweet wonderful feeling. For me, though, it was agonizing. Did they had any clue what I was dealing with? Having three men want to give you their hearts, and have you be deathly afraid to take any of them for what may happen with the other two?
"It's okay, Alan." I forced myself to reply. "We can't though. I care for you. A lot. I care for Joel and Colin as well - a lot."
"Then why don't you -"
"Do I have to spell it out? I don't want to push any of you away. Teenage boys are probably one of the most jealous things on the planet. I don't want to lose any of you from my life."
Alan looked away. "Just follow your heart. Forget what other people think."
"I have been. I'm doing what I think is best. I want you in my life, Alan. But that's all it can be."
I may as well have pulled out a gun and shot him. It took him some time to reply. "So, that's what it is. I understand."
"You're not taking this the wrong way?"
"This conversation never happened, Holly. You hungry? I'll get you something. Food should disperse the agony a bit."
I nodded.
"What'll it be? Chinese? Fried Chicken? Pizza?"
"Chinese sounds good."
He jumped up and headed for the door. He didn't even ask what I wanted.
It wasn't him ditching me after shooting him down, as some would often expect of such teenage relationships. He'd be back in less than a half hour.
He knew what I wanted. He cared so deeply, he probably knew me better than I knew myself.
Maybe that's why he believed me.
I hated the truth I
His eyes closed.
"You can see, I want some time for myself. Please, I don't mean to be rude, Alan."
"I'm definitely not ditching you now, Holly."
"Huh?"
"I believe you said that emotional teenagers who just experienced a major tragedy shouldn't be left alone. It might lead to rash decisions."
"I'm not going to kill myself," I said.
"Probably not. You can do better by your mother than wallowing in your self pity, though."
"That's exactly what I want to do. You don't want to hang out with me right now. I'm capital D depressing right now."
He rubbed his chin. "You really not going to let me pay you back for four years ago?"
"Huh?"
"My father passed. I was devastated. You were there, giving me a shoulder to cry on. I'll never forget that, Holly. I didn't feel worthy, but you were right there for me, not judging me. Just being there was so much."
I swallowed. "You don't have to pay that back, Alan. I'll be fine."
"I want to." He walked past me and went to sit down on my couch.
I let out a breath. "I guess I'm not getting rid of you." I sat down beside him on it.
"C'mon. Let it all out. It's not like I'm going to run to the other guys and tell them you're a crybaby."
I stared at the floor as I spoke. "She was the last of my family, really. Everyone else doesn't give a damn about me. She was the one who pushed me succeed in my studies, who helped pay for my college."
"She was pretty awesome. Made a mean cookie."
"She did. A hell of a cook. I'm surprised I'm not super fat from her. Those cookies were so, so good."
"There we go, a smile. Was that so hard?"
"Yeah," my smile quickly fading. "I remembered that I wouldn't be getting any of them anymore."
"Damn. Distracting you would have been a victory."
I shook my head. "I just feel so alone. Like it's just me against the world."
"That's not true."
"How?"
"You have me. Colin and Joel too."
"You're my friends. Not the same."
"Nonsense. They'd both be over here with me if I called them."
"Then why don't you?"
Alan paused. "Cause I wanted to tell you how I feel. Joel and Colin? They care for you. They really do. But I, um,"
Cogs spun in my head. I knew where he was going with this.
"Holly, I, um, this is really hard to say," Alan said.
My jaw was hanging. I knew what he was trying to say.
"Holly, I love you." He spit out super fast, like he was embarrassed to admit it.
His eyes turned away from me. "I shouldn't have said that, I'm sorry."
Hearing those words should be a sweet wonderful feeling. For me, though, it was agonizing. Did they had any clue what I was dealing with? Having three men want to give you their hearts, and have you be deathly afraid to take any of them for what may happen with the other two?
"It's okay, Alan." I forced myself to reply. "We can't though. I care for you. A lot. I care for Joel and Colin as well - a lot."
"Then why don't you -"
"Do I have to spell it out? I don't want to push any of you away. Teenage boys are probably one of the most jealous things on the planet. I don't want to lose any of you from my life."
Alan looked away. "Just follow your heart. Forget what other people think."
"I have been. I'm doing what I think is best. I want you in my life, Alan. But that's all it can be."
I may as well have pulled out a gun and shot him. It took him some time to reply. "So, that's what it is. I understand."
"You're not taking this the wrong way?"
"This conversation never happened, Holly. You hungry? I'll get you something. Food should disperse the agony a bit."
I nodded.
"What'll it be? Chinese? Fried Chicken? Pizza?"
"Chinese sounds good."
He jumped up and headed for the door. He didn't even ask what I wanted.
It wasn't him ditching me after shooting him down, as some would often expect of such teenage relationships. He'd be back in less than a half hour.
He knew what I wanted. He cared so deeply, he probably knew me better than I knew myself.
Maybe that's why he believed me.
I hated the truth I
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