One or Two Things I Learned About Love Read Free

afraid to go for the paper in his pyjamas in case he winds up in one of Louie’s videos looking like an escaped patient. Mr Masiado thinks he created a monster. He won’t be the only one. Wait till Mr Pryce finds out he’s on YouTube.

    Work today. It was really busy, so there was no time for Ely to give me a juggling lesson. All my favourites came by. Broccoli Man. Blue Eyeshadow Lady. Green Pick-up Guy. The Countess. Farmer John thinks we’re so busy because we’re witnessing a cultural revolution. He says nowadays folks want their vegetables to come out of the earth, not out of plastic. Ely says that’s not why we’re busy. We’re busy because we’re on the beach road and folks don’t want to drive all the way to the supermarket if they don’t have to. Especially when they’re sandy, damp and smell like seaweed. All I know is that my fan got a lot of positive comments from the buyers of ground-grown vegetables. Except for Broccoli Man, who wouldn’t get out of his car until I put it away. But all the more normal people said that it was both practical and elegant. The Countess said the ladies at court always had fans. Blue Eyeshadow Lady said she’d always wanted a fan but she didn’t know where to get one (so I told her). Even Green Pick-up Guy said he thought it was very elegant. He said I made him think of the movie
Gone with the Wind
. Ely wanted to know which part: when they burn down Atlanta? He said he figured it’d be a lot more elegant if I was wearing a long, ruffled dress and a hibiscus in my hair. Not shorts, a
Lobster Lilly’s
T-shirt and a baseball cap.
    Did some more editing with Louie tonight. We’re calling the new video
Flame Broiled
and the background music’s the really old Burger King “hold the pickles, hold the lettuce” jingle. When we got to the part where Jax and I threw the wading pool over Mr Pryce I finally understood what people mean when they say “I thought I’d die laughing”. We both nearly stopped breathing.
    Maggie showed Grady some of Louie’s videos. Grady already knew the one Louie made of his dogs Hitchcock and Scorsese arguing over who was going to sit in Mr Masiado’s chair (over 900,000 hits on YouTube). He’s watched it five times and he always laughs out loud. He thinks Louie’s a genius. Louie’s smart, but I’m not so sure about the genius part. He can’t even defrost, let alone cook. When his parents went away for that weekend in May, he ate nothing but cereal for three days. And let’s not forget that I’m the one who did Hitchcock’s voice, totally ad-lib (
and
helped with the editing).
    When I got home, the kitchen looked like we’d been robbed. All the cabinets were open and there was stuff all over the counters. Only it wasn’t burglars. Mom was out and Dad was looking for the iced-tea mix. Zelda was on the floor, wailing like she was being torn apart by tyrannosaurs (she wanted iced tea). Mrs Claws was stuck in a bag of Cheez Doodles – all you could see of her was her butt and her tail, and when I dragged her out she was all dusty and orange. Dad was standing in the middle of the wreckage, looking distraught. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that Mom makes iced tea from scratch. Went to my room. Was talking to Nomi when the quiet of the night was shattered by hysterical laughter. My mother was home. I wonder if my parents ever had a romantic relationship. It seems unlikely. Which could explain why Gus has never found anyone she likes for more than a few weeks and I can’t even get a date.

    For a joke, I went to work in the dress Gus bought when she was maid of honour at our cousin’s wedding. It’s pink and long and makes me think of birthday cakes and koi ponds (birthday cakes because it’s pink and frilly, and koi ponds because that’s what Gus pushed the best man into when he made a pass at her). Ely thought the dress was hilarious. I’ve never seen him laugh so much. Some people stopped just because they saw me bagging