some furry dice for Robâs car (Weirdo Jen says itâs an ironic take on the boy racer culture and heâll appreciate it?) and NOTHING for my brother. Itâs tradition! 4.55 p.m. I went to see Gran this afternoon. She called me into the bathroom. Sheâd been to the Christmas dinner at her pensionersâ club and âgot a bit too much in the festive spiritâ. Sheâd only put diamante vajazzles of Father Christmasâs face on her bum AND used superglue! She kept shouting, âI canât get it off, Hattie!â I was telling her to go to hospital but Gran thought she couldnât because Rob went yesterday! She didnât want the doctors and nurses thinking we were âa family of nuttersâ. We ARE a family of nutters! Why deny it?! Then Gran said, âIâll end up on the Internet or on 24 Hours in A&E â even if they blur my face people will know my voice and my bum!â
5.36 p.m. How will people know Granâs bum?! 6.05 p.m. Gran just rang my mob. The Father Christmas beard has partly come off. Gran is wearing rough cotton pants as punishment. Does she even realize what vajazzles are and where they SHOULD go? Iâm not telling her! 6.55 p.m. Vajazzles. Geckos. Nut allergies. What on Earth is Keith coming into?! Iâm confused about everything. Mum is angry with me and Gran is FURIOUS â partly at her itchy body art but mainly at Keith. Robâs not said a lot but I know heâs worried. Heâs spending a lot of time in his shed. I want to tell him heâll always be THE BEST SORT OF NOT REAL DAD EVER ⦠but that sounds craptacular. 7.37 p.m. I can tell you what Keith is coming into â heâs definitely coming into the most uncomfortable accommodation in history. I saw it earlier. Itâs totally obvious that Gran really, REALLY hates Keith. The bed in the spare room has disappeared. She said the mattress had lost too many of its springs. Sheâs put the ancient fold-out camp thing out with the itchy blanket. Granâs got a deluxe queen-size airbed! When I asked her where it was she snapped, âItâs got a puncture â Princess thought it was a cat.â Beds do not look like cats. I think she told Princess to attack it. Iâm not arguing though. Iâm NEVER going to argue with an OAP whoâs had a vajazzle disaster. 8.14 p.m. OFFICIAL SERIOUS AND MAX AWFUL CONVERSATION WITH MY BROTHER. I asked Nathan how he felt about Keith. Itâs because he keeps acting like nothing is happening and IT IS: OUR BIOLOGICAL ACTUAL REAL DAD is turning up TOMORROW. So I said, âNath â how do you feel about it all?â And he said, âHattie, I donât know how I feel. I just wish that things were the way they used to be. They were fine. Robâs the best dad ever. Who cares about anything else?â I said, âBut donât you want to know THE TRUTH? Like where we come from and who he is and why heâs never bothered?â Nathan just shrugged and grunted. Then he said, âAnd think what itâs like for Mum â she has to have all those bad memories back in her life again. AT CHRISTMAS. But you know what, Hattie? Iâm over it.â SO ITâS ALL HATTIEâS FAULT AGAIN! FANTASTIC! All I wanted was what I actually deserve! I donât get it. Why is THAT so bad and why isnât Nathan even a tiny bit interested? HOW can he be all cool about it when Iâm having a massive emotional earthquake thatâs causing major structural damage?! 8.55 p.m. That last bit made no sense but I know what I mean. Iâm in a mess. And now I feel like Iâm letting Mum down and, even though I hate him, Iâm letting Nathan down too. I actually donât want to do that. I REALLY, REALLY donât want to hurt anyone. I just want to meet Keith. 9.12 p.m. Just rang Dimple about Nathan. She said men are often âresistant to changeâ. When her mum swapped her