Nice Couples Do Read Free Page B

with a neighbor. Hire a baby-sitter and rent a motel room for the evening. Put a lock on your bedroom door, if necessary.
    Then, set the scene, if that’s appropriate. Have a good dinner. Put soft music on the stereo. Have some wine. Anticipation is a large part of the fun, but it’s also a nervous time. Each of you is looking for any hint of disapproval from the other, so you must each continually and deliberately send positive messages. Smile. Touch. Kiss. Whisper. Take a warm shower—together.
    Then, while in the throes of your new experience, continue to send positive messages. “That feels so good.” “I love it when you do that.” “Move over this way so I can enjoy you more.” Purr, groan, make the sounds that your partner has come to understand as positive feedback. Don’t expect your partner to guess. Tell him or her before, during, and after.
    If you’re acting out a scene, get into it. Use the appropriate tone of voice, be young, old, masterful, subservient, hesitant, knowledgeable, ignorant, whatever is called for. And if you find you have the urge to giggle, do so. I was always afraid that my laughter would send the wrong message and ruin the mood. When a chuckle slipped out, I apologized. I was amazed how often laughing was my partner’s urge at that moment, too, and he was just as afraid about killing the mood. Don’t worry. A good laugh during sex is a great positive reinforcer. It also reduces the level of sexual tension a bit, so you can increase it again. And that’s an unexpected bonus that prolongs your lovemaking.
    There is one more important thing—your reaction afterward. The question that will be on your partner’s mind, as well as yours, is “Was it really okay?” Each time you take a new step, you need to know and to communicate to your partner that it’s really okay. I still tell my partner that whatever new experience we just tried was okay and I still need to be told, as well. And don’t confuse okay with enjoyable. Okay means that you are not repelled by the fact that your partner tried something different. Even if you didn’t enjoy what you just did, be sure he understands that it was all right for him to try new things. It was the activity, not him, that you didn’t enjoy.
    It’s possible that although an activity seemed all right while you were very excited, later, in the cold light of morning, you realize that it wasn’t something that you are anxious to repeat. Or maybe you were willing to give it a try since your partner seemed so interested but it didn’t work out for you. Talk this over, too. Be honest, and suggest an alternative for the future.
    I spoke about minimizing risk. When you and your partner have tried something different, you must reinforce the reward. You can say, “That was wonderful—I enjoyed it,” or you can just purr. Don’t forget to send those nonverbal signals, too. Touch and cuddle to ease doubts, both yours and your partner’s.
    Alice and Tony’s story illustrates how one couple might have used this book to explore a new sexual activity that Tony hadn’t known how to discuss with his wife.
    ALICE AND TONY’S STORY
    It was pouring when Alice returned from waiting for the school bus with her three children. She shed her raincoat, put her open umbrella in the downstairs bathtub, and poured herself a much-needed cup of coffee. Cup in hand, she slowly climbed the stairs to make the beds, clean the bathroom, and tidy up after the children and her husband, Tony.
    With a sigh, she walked into the bedroom and set her coffee mug on her bedside table. Then she noticed the book. It was lying on her pillow, with a bookmark on top and a note saying simply, “I Love You.” She picked up the note and looked at the book beneath. The cover was unmistakable. It was that book about kinky sex.
    Heavily, she sat down on the bed and her hands began to shake. She knew all about the book but had never actually seen a copy.
    Why was Tony giving her a sex