to pick the perfect song to put between “Hey Ya” and “Who Let the Dogs Out,” but I don’t even like music. I only wear an iPod to avoid talking to you.
Cell Lout
NEW RULE
Don’t call me when you’re stuck in traffic. It’s not my fault radio sucks. And did it ever occur to you that there wouldn’t be so much traffic if people like you put down the phone and concentrated on the road? Besides, I can’t talk now—I’m in the car behind you, trying to watch a DVD.
Center Old
NEW RULE
Just because you used to be famous doesn’t mean you belong in Playboy. A recent issue features a photo spread with Debbie Gibson, perfectly nice woman, whose “electric youth” ended in 1988. Here’s a way to tell if you’re an ’80s icon who shouldn’t be naked: When you sit down, your “leg warmers” are your tits. If I want to be exposed to has-been pop stars, I’ll sleep over at Neverland.
Check Your Local Lispings
NEW RULE
Enough with “gay-sploitation” TV. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy ? If I want a bunch of gay men in queeny outfits telling me how to live my life, I’ll go back to MASS.
Checkout Whine
NEW RULE
I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, deciding, “No, I don’t want cash back,” and pressing “Enter” again, the kid who’s supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper? Plastic? I don’t have time for that! I’ve just been called to do cleanup on aisle nine.
Chief Wannabe
NEW RULE
If you have to tell me what fraction of you is Native American, you’re not really an Indian. There’s a word for people who claim to be one-quarter Indian: Puerto Rican.
Chock Full o’ Putz
NEW RULE
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a decaf grande half-soy half-low-fat iced-vanilla double-shot gingerbread cappuccino extra dry light ice with one Sweet’N Low and one NutraSweet ... you’re a huge asshole. If you’re this much of a control freak about coffee, you must be really unbearable when it comes to something important, like a Danish.
Chopping Spree
NEW RULE
If you don’t want the world to think your religion is medieval, stop beheading people. Texans are bloodthirsty and dim, and even they learned to use an electric chair. Come on, Islam. Join the nineteenth century.
LAX Security
NEW RULE
H omeland Security can’t call itself Homeland Security until it provides homeland security.
According to an FBI report, airlines are still a prime target for al-Qaeda, mainly because airline security in America remains a faith-based initiative. President Bush has certainly proved himself resolute when he wants to make something an issue—so we really could use his steely resolve on this one. Or, to paraphrase Judge Judy, “Don’t pee on my leg and tell me you’re a bomb-sniffing dog.”
As a comedian, I do a lot of flying, and some of it is in airplanes, which unfortunately only leave from airports, which have become bureaucratic nightmares that test our patience, our sense of logic, and our ability to hide a small brick of hash inside a hollowed-out can of deodorant.
If you’re looking for a reason terrorists haven’t hijacked another plane, I think I know what it is: It’s too much of a hassle! I mean seriously, people, I’m on the road a lot—sometimes I honestly can’t remember who packed my bag!
Did you hear the latest? Now there can be no lighters on planes. This, of course, will do nothing to change the safety equation, but it will ensure that if the passengers end up enjoying the terrorists’ work, they still can’t bring them back for an encore.
And the new luggage screening system, which everyone agrees would help a lot, remains on the drawing board because the Bush administration insists the
Cell Lout
NEW RULE
Don’t call me when you’re stuck in traffic. It’s not my fault radio sucks. And did it ever occur to you that there wouldn’t be so much traffic if people like you put down the phone and concentrated on the road? Besides, I can’t talk now—I’m in the car behind you, trying to watch a DVD.
Center Old
NEW RULE
Just because you used to be famous doesn’t mean you belong in Playboy. A recent issue features a photo spread with Debbie Gibson, perfectly nice woman, whose “electric youth” ended in 1988. Here’s a way to tell if you’re an ’80s icon who shouldn’t be naked: When you sit down, your “leg warmers” are your tits. If I want to be exposed to has-been pop stars, I’ll sleep over at Neverland.
Check Your Local Lispings
NEW RULE
Enough with “gay-sploitation” TV. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy ? If I want a bunch of gay men in queeny outfits telling me how to live my life, I’ll go back to MASS.
Checkout Whine
NEW RULE
I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, deciding, “No, I don’t want cash back,” and pressing “Enter” again, the kid who’s supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper? Plastic? I don’t have time for that! I’ve just been called to do cleanup on aisle nine.
Chief Wannabe
NEW RULE
If you have to tell me what fraction of you is Native American, you’re not really an Indian. There’s a word for people who claim to be one-quarter Indian: Puerto Rican.
Chock Full o’ Putz
NEW RULE
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a decaf grande half-soy half-low-fat iced-vanilla double-shot gingerbread cappuccino extra dry light ice with one Sweet’N Low and one NutraSweet ... you’re a huge asshole. If you’re this much of a control freak about coffee, you must be really unbearable when it comes to something important, like a Danish.
Chopping Spree
NEW RULE
If you don’t want the world to think your religion is medieval, stop beheading people. Texans are bloodthirsty and dim, and even they learned to use an electric chair. Come on, Islam. Join the nineteenth century.
LAX Security
NEW RULE
H omeland Security can’t call itself Homeland Security until it provides homeland security.
According to an FBI report, airlines are still a prime target for al-Qaeda, mainly because airline security in America remains a faith-based initiative. President Bush has certainly proved himself resolute when he wants to make something an issue—so we really could use his steely resolve on this one. Or, to paraphrase Judge Judy, “Don’t pee on my leg and tell me you’re a bomb-sniffing dog.”
As a comedian, I do a lot of flying, and some of it is in airplanes, which unfortunately only leave from airports, which have become bureaucratic nightmares that test our patience, our sense of logic, and our ability to hide a small brick of hash inside a hollowed-out can of deodorant.
If you’re looking for a reason terrorists haven’t hijacked another plane, I think I know what it is: It’s too much of a hassle! I mean seriously, people, I’m on the road a lot—sometimes I honestly can’t remember who packed my bag!
Did you hear the latest? Now there can be no lighters on planes. This, of course, will do nothing to change the safety equation, but it will ensure that if the passengers end up enjoying the terrorists’ work, they still can’t bring them back for an encore.
And the new luggage screening system, which everyone agrees would help a lot, remains on the drawing board because the Bush administration insists the
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