an old Honda Civic, the cost of abandoning her all these years to the care of minority health care workers bent on racial payback would be recouped over time.
Booze Clues
NEW RULE
You don’t need to study malt liquor. A groundbreaking study found that malt liquor usually comes in a bigger bottle, has more alcohol than regular beer, and is largely a drink of the homeless and unemployed—all facts most people learn after their first date with Tara Reid. Let me save you guys some time: Jägermeister and Mad Dog 20/20 aren’t varieties of Pinot, either.
Bore Play
NEW RULE
Cuddling is for girls. The latest rage in New York is “cuddle parties,” where grown men and women put on pajamas and just ... cuddle. Pardon me while I throw up. Participants say it’s not about sex; it’s about intimacy. No, it’s about sex. You’re just so neurotic and emasculated that you’ve decided to skip the screwing entirely and go right to the boring part afterward. The only time a man should say “I need a hug” is if he’s choking.
Bored of the Rings
NEW RULE
Three and a half hours is too long for a movie about magical midgets. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King is so long, you have to take a pee break before you get through the title. The Rings trilogy runs almost nine hours. If I want to spend that kind of time seeing dragons, I’ll take drugs.
Brag Bashing
NEW RULE
I don’t care how fast your kid read the last Harry Potter. That doesn’t make him gifted. This kid is gifted ...
... and the only thing he’s ever read is a home pregnancy test.
Brew Ha Ha
NEW RULE
If you can’t get drunk at a fraternity, it’s not a fraternity. It’s a club. UC Berkeley has banned alcohol at fraternity parties, which is sort of like banning black people on Soul Train. You can’t make frat guys stay sober. Then they’ll see all their late-night streaking, fanny paddling, and tea bagging for what it really is—Delta Kappa Gay.
Bulletin Bored
NEW RULE
We don’t need a FOX “News Alert” every time something explodes in Iraq. It’s a war—breaking news would be when stuff stops blowing up. Until then, we’ll assume Baghdad is just like Lindsay Lohan—getting bombed daily.
Bush Whack
NEW RULE
George Bush must stop saying he owes all his success to Laura. George Bush owes all his success to his daddy, his daddy’s friends, trust funds, legacy admissions, the National Guard, the Supreme Court, Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, and AA.
But Siriusly
NEW RULE
Paying to listen to the radio is wrong. Seemingly normal Americans are now paying 10 dollars a month to get satellite radio. That’s right—they’re paying to listen to the radio. Hello! It’s the radio! The whole point of radio is that you don’t have to pay for it. It’s like paying to hum. If it wasn’t free, do you think they’d play Foghat? So what if satellite radio has a hundred channels. So does cable TV, and just like cable TV, 5 of them are good, 20 suck, and the rest are in Spanish.
Butt Out
NEW RULE
Sodomy rules! If it’s still asking too much to legalize the blow job, let’s start with medicinal blow jobs and work from there. What two consenting adults choose to do in the privacy of a casting office is their business.
Byte Me
NEW RULE
Computers aren’t for voting; they’re for picking up underage girls. Voting by computer sounds really cool and futuristic—if this were 1969. But now that we all have computers, we know that they are, in fact, huge fuck-up machines. They’re like having a compact, silicon version of Gary Busey on your desk—you never know what’s going to happen. I’ll tell you what’ll happen: Some 13-year-old hacker in Finland is going to hand the presidency to Kylie Minogue. You thought the 2004 election was bad—wait until the next one is decided by a customer service rep in New Delhi.
Truth in
Booze Clues
NEW RULE
You don’t need to study malt liquor. A groundbreaking study found that malt liquor usually comes in a bigger bottle, has more alcohol than regular beer, and is largely a drink of the homeless and unemployed—all facts most people learn after their first date with Tara Reid. Let me save you guys some time: Jägermeister and Mad Dog 20/20 aren’t varieties of Pinot, either.
Bore Play
NEW RULE
Cuddling is for girls. The latest rage in New York is “cuddle parties,” where grown men and women put on pajamas and just ... cuddle. Pardon me while I throw up. Participants say it’s not about sex; it’s about intimacy. No, it’s about sex. You’re just so neurotic and emasculated that you’ve decided to skip the screwing entirely and go right to the boring part afterward. The only time a man should say “I need a hug” is if he’s choking.
Bored of the Rings
NEW RULE
Three and a half hours is too long for a movie about magical midgets. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King is so long, you have to take a pee break before you get through the title. The Rings trilogy runs almost nine hours. If I want to spend that kind of time seeing dragons, I’ll take drugs.
Brag Bashing
NEW RULE
I don’t care how fast your kid read the last Harry Potter. That doesn’t make him gifted. This kid is gifted ...
... and the only thing he’s ever read is a home pregnancy test.
Brew Ha Ha
NEW RULE
If you can’t get drunk at a fraternity, it’s not a fraternity. It’s a club. UC Berkeley has banned alcohol at fraternity parties, which is sort of like banning black people on Soul Train. You can’t make frat guys stay sober. Then they’ll see all their late-night streaking, fanny paddling, and tea bagging for what it really is—Delta Kappa Gay.
Bulletin Bored
NEW RULE
We don’t need a FOX “News Alert” every time something explodes in Iraq. It’s a war—breaking news would be when stuff stops blowing up. Until then, we’ll assume Baghdad is just like Lindsay Lohan—getting bombed daily.
Bush Whack
NEW RULE
George Bush must stop saying he owes all his success to Laura. George Bush owes all his success to his daddy, his daddy’s friends, trust funds, legacy admissions, the National Guard, the Supreme Court, Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, and AA.
But Siriusly
NEW RULE
Paying to listen to the radio is wrong. Seemingly normal Americans are now paying 10 dollars a month to get satellite radio. That’s right—they’re paying to listen to the radio. Hello! It’s the radio! The whole point of radio is that you don’t have to pay for it. It’s like paying to hum. If it wasn’t free, do you think they’d play Foghat? So what if satellite radio has a hundred channels. So does cable TV, and just like cable TV, 5 of them are good, 20 suck, and the rest are in Spanish.
Butt Out
NEW RULE
Sodomy rules! If it’s still asking too much to legalize the blow job, let’s start with medicinal blow jobs and work from there. What two consenting adults choose to do in the privacy of a casting office is their business.
Byte Me
NEW RULE
Computers aren’t for voting; they’re for picking up underage girls. Voting by computer sounds really cool and futuristic—if this were 1969. But now that we all have computers, we know that they are, in fact, huge fuck-up machines. They’re like having a compact, silicon version of Gary Busey on your desk—you never know what’s going to happen. I’ll tell you what’ll happen: Some 13-year-old hacker in Finland is going to hand the presidency to Kylie Minogue. You thought the 2004 election was bad—wait until the next one is decided by a customer service rep in New Delhi.
Truth in
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