Never Use a Chicken and Other Stories Read Free Page B

rings, the voice at the other end said, “Hello.”
    “This Humphrey?” asked Sam, breathing hard.
    “Yes. Are you calling about Snapper?”
    “Snapper? Oh, the cat. Yes. Are you going to pay?”
    “Well now, I don’t know.” The man at the other end of the phone line did not seem to be unduly disturbed by Sam’s question.
    “You don’t know? Don’t you want your cat back?”
    “Well yes. He’s a nice cat, but not ten thousand dollars nice.”
    “At two fifty a kitten, he must be worth a lot of dough.”
    “Two hundred and fifty dollars a kitten? Oh, you mean the price for kittens he sires. Well, I don’t get that money, my dear chap. I just get a set stud fee for his services.”
    “Yeah, yeah. You make money offa the cat. I want some of it. And no going to the cops or the deal’s off.”
    “The cops?” Mr. Humphrey laughed a hearty laugh. “My dear fellow, I wouldn’t bother the police over Snapper. Neither will I pay you ten thousand dollars. Nowhere near.”
    “I expected that. What’s your best offer?”
    “Well now, let’s see. I might, just might, you understand, which is not to say that I will, but I might pay five hundred for him. Certainly no more than that.”
    “Five hundred! Listen Humphrey, you want to see your cat back, you’d better get serious.”
    “Never been more serious in my life, old boy. I would consider paying five hundred, but that’s not a definite offer.”
    “Well, you’d better do some serious thinking and come up with a better offer than that. I’m going to call tomorrow morning at nine and if you haven’t come up with ten thousand dollars, you’ll get a parcel by noon with your cat’s left ear in it. You hear me?”
    “If you send his ear, or any other piece of him, don’t bother calling because the cat without all his bits and pieces intact is worth nothing. His whole value is in his appearance, you see, and unless he’s all put together, he’s worthless.” The mellow voice was as calm and cool as Sam’s voice was harsh. “No, five hundred would be my best offer, and I’ll have to think about that for awhile. Good bye now.”
    Having the phone hung up in his ear a second time enraged Sam, who slung his own receiver onto the hook so hard it bounced off and hit him on the side of the head above the ear. That made him more angry, and he stomped off back to the pub to do some intensive drinking.
    Snapper, meanwhile, had jumped down off his perch to do some intensive drinking of his own and emptied the milk dish. He had also had to make room for the liquid by emptying his bladder, and the litter box still did not appeal to him so he was forced to find another location. That accomplished, he decided to search the house for more information about his new quarters. He found a couple of plants in the dining room window that looked and smelled inviting. After tasting a couple of leaves, however, he found them unsatisfactory. In getting rid of them from his stomach, some of the other contents of that organ accidentally came with them, which made a bit of a mess on the carpet, and annoyed Snapper himself. He vented his annoyance by digging the offending plants out of their pots.
    To calm his nerves, he went back to the living room window from which he had been so rudely removed some hours previously. There he shredded the sheer curtains with his front paws as vigorously as he could and as high as he could reach. Feeling calmer after that, he decided on another nap, there being nothing else of interest to do. The waterbed in the master bedroom seemed comfortable and the gentle sway after he jumped up on it was soothing as he settled in. It was there that Meg found him when she came home from work after midnight. Snapper had decided to ignore the screams of anger that had erupted from Meg. Each yell was louder than its predecessor when she discovered the various areas of devastation as she progressed through her house in search of the perpetrator of the messes. At