Nanny Piggins and the Pursuit of Justice Read Free Page A

said Judge Birchmore reading over her papers. ‘Given the litany of charges against you, that seems only sensible.’
    ‘Don’t worry, your Honourableness, I am fully prepared to defend myself,’ said Nanny Piggins confidently.
    Judge Birchmore peered over her glasses again. ‘Really?’ she asked, smiling the way a crocodile might smile just before it bites off your leg. ‘You are aware of the saying that anyone who defends themself has a fool for a client?’
    ‘Well that wouldn’t be true in my case, would it?’ said Nanny Piggins, ‘because clearly I’m not a fool, I’m a pig.’
    ‘Yes, well I’ve reviewed your case. It seems like a fairly simple matter of recklessly endangering the public, needlessly causing panic and violently trying to bite the shins of three separate policemen,’ said Judge Birchmore.
    ‘In my defence,’ interrupted Nanny Piggins, ‘my mouth was so full of cake, even if I had been able to get hold of their legs, I don’t think I could have fit their shins in my mouth.’
    ‘Do not interrupt me when I am telling you off!’ snapped Judge Birchmore.
    ‘I thought as defence attorney I was meant to defend myself,’ protested Nanny Piggins.
    ‘Only when I say so,’ yelled Judge Birchmore so loudly that everyone in the courtroom flinched. (It was really extraordinary that such a small and wizened woman could generate such a loud and unpleasant noise.)
    ‘Then that isn’t much of a defence, is it?’ argued Nanny Piggins. ‘In boxing, if someone hits you you’re allowed to hit them straight back. You don’t have to wait until they finish and tell you it’s your turn.’
    ‘This is not a boxing match!’ hollered Judge Birchmore.
    ‘I wish it was,’ muttered Nanny Piggins. ‘I know who would win.’
    ‘I’ve never heard such insolence!’ exclaimed Judge Birchmore.
    ‘Then you obviously haven’t been listening properly,’ said Nanny Piggins.
    ‘I was going to let you off with a warning,’ screamed Judge Birchmore, ‘but now I’m going to give you one hundred hours community service!’
    ‘But you haven’t let Nanny Piggins present her defence yet!’ protested Derrick.
    ‘Haven’t I?’ Judge Birchmore looked at the bailiff.
    The bailiff looked intimidated, but he was a brave man, having been in the marines for twenty years, so he found the courage to shake his head ever so slightly.
    ‘Very well,’ said Judge Birchmore. ‘What’s your defence?’
    ‘My defence against the charge of public endangerment is that it is all a load of piffle,’ stated Nanny Piggins.
    ‘That is not a proper legal argument!’ berated Judge Birchmore.
    ‘But it’s the truth,’ Nanny Piggins assured her. ‘I am an international circus megastar. There’s no way I’d ever fall off a tightrope onto the heads of the crowd beneath and crush them to death, no matter how windy it was. Especially not when there was a delicious chocolate cream cake to be eaten.’
    ‘The deliciousness of the cake is immaterial to this court case,’ yelled Judge Birchmore.
    ‘You only say that because you didn’t get a slice,’ argued Nanny Piggins. ‘If you let me whip up a replica cake I’m sure I can convince you otherwise.’
    ‘Just get on with your argument!’ screamedJudge Birchmore.
    ‘Do you think the judge is so cranky because she is worried she’ll miss The Young and the Irritable too?’ wondered Derrick.
    ‘My defence against the charge of resisting arrest,’ continued Nanny Piggins, ‘is that the police really should be thanking me for the opportunity I gave them. Arresting an elite athlete like me actually proved to be an invaluable training exercise for the officers involved, and a much better use of their time than hanging out in the doughnut shop chatting up the cashier, which I happen to know was all they were doing at the time, because I saw them when I was up on the tightrope.’
    The police officers, who were sitting in court waiting to give evidence, all blushed.