Mrs. Patty Is Batty! Read Free

getting hard to see out of it. I was sick of the dumb parade. I just wanted to go trick-or-treating and get candy. I needed candy!

    But that’s when the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened. I stepped on Emily’s queen costume.
    I didn’t mean to step on Emily’s queen costume. Really! I was minding my own business, marching around the playground. But her dumb train thing wasdragging on the ground behind her and I couldn’t see through my space helmet and I guess I got too close to her and I stepped on the train.
    It would have been okay, except that Emily kept right on walking, like she didn’t even know I was standing on her train. What a dumbhead! Anyway, it must have been some cheap costume, because it ripped really easily. The next thing anybody knew, Emily’s whole costume was on the ground and not on Emily.
    â€œLook!” somebody shouted. “Underwear!”
    Well, the only thing funnier than getting someone to say “underwear” is actually seeing someone in their underwear.That’s the first rule of being a kid. And Emily was standing in the middle of the playground in her underwear! There were even flowers on it!
    Everybody was pointing and laughing. It was hilarious! A real Kodak moment. And we saw it live and in person. Youshould have been there. I hope my mom took a picture.

    â€œEeeeeeeeeeeeeek!” Emily screamed. “A.J. stepped on my train!”
    â€œIt’s a train wreck,” I said. “Get it?”
    But Emily didn’t think my joke was very funny. She started crying (of course) and went running off the playground. I don’t even know where she went.
    Well, nah-nah-nah boo-boo on Emily. That’s what she gets for dressing up like a dumb queen anyway.

5
“I Rule the School!”
    We marched around the playground for about a million hundred hours. Finally the dumb parade was over and we could go home.
    Or at least I thought we could go home. First we all had to go back inside the school and sit in the all-purpose room.There was a fancy chair up on the stage. It was like one of those chairs you see in a palace.
    When all the classes were seated, music started playing and some tall guy came into the all-purpose room dressed up like a king. He was wearing a gold cape, and he was holding a big sword.
    It was Mr. Klutz, our principal! Even though he was wearing a crown on his head, I knew it was him because he is completely bald. I mean completely .
    â€œOff with their heads!” Mr. Klutz shouted as he marched down the center aisle. “Let them eat cake!”
    Miss Daisy told us that, in the old days,kings were constantly chopping off people’s heads and making them eat cake. That must have been a cool time to live. I like to eat cake, but I don’t think I would like the chopping-off-your-head part very much.

    â€œI rule the school,” Mr. Klutz announced as he sat in the fancy chair. “Quiet down or you will be thrown in the dungeon in the basement.”
    That was a complete lie. Everybody knows the dungeon is on the third floor.
    â€œCool costume, Mr. Klutz!” some kid yelled.
    â€œSilence!” Mr. Klutz hollered. “I know not this Klutz person of whom you speak. I am King Louis the Fourteenth of France.”
    â€œWhy are you dressed up like a king?” Ryan asked.
    â€œAs king,” he replied, “I need notworry about parent-teacher conferences and behavior problems and head lice and bus schedules and test scores. I am all powerful. What I say goes.”
    Mr. Klutz was talking just like a real king. It was cool.
    After he finished acting all kinglike, he talked to us about Halloween safety. He told us to have fun trick-or-treating, but to look both ways before we crossed the street. He said we shouldn’t go inside any strange houses, and we shouldn’t eat any candy that isn’t wrapped up.
    â€œWhat should we do if we come to a house and they