Mrs. Jafee Is Daffy! Read Free Page A

Neil.
    “I can make my eyelids turn inside out,” I said.
    “Yoga is fun, is it not?” Swami asked.
    “Yes!” said all the girls.
    “No!” said all the boys.
    Next, we had to lie on the floor and practice breathing, which made no sense at all because any dumbhead knows how to breathe. Breathing is way overrated.
    “Breathe in…and breathe out,” said Swami Havabanana. “Are you breathing?”
    “Yesssssssssssssss…,” we all said.
    Swami told us that deep breathing calms the nervous system. What’s up with that? It’s called the nervous system.It’s supposed to be nervous.
    “Let go of the tension in your muscles,” he said. “Are you relaxing?”
    “Yesssssssssssssss…”
    “Feel the soothing calmness take over your inner being….”
    “Yesssssssssssssss…”
    “Only when the mind is still can the true essence of life be achieved. Find your deepest self….”
    “Yesssssssssssssss…”
    “Feel the flowing life energy.”
    “Yesssssssssssssss…”
    “Can you see the universe unfolding in your mind?”
    Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
    I was having a dream about Yoda and Yogi doing yoga on YouTube. Then they all started fighting. Yoda had a light saber, and Yogi had a baseball bat. It was a cool dream. But suddenly I heard somebody shouting.

    “WAKE UPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!”
    I opened my eyes. Mrs. Jafee was standing there with her hands on her hips. When ladies put their hands on their hips, it means they’re mad. Nobody knows why.
    “The children were very much relaxed, as you requested,” said Swami Havabanana.
    “You put them to sleep!” Mrs. Jafee shouted.
    “It is but a fine line between sleeping and waking,” said Swami Havabanana.
    “It’s also a fine line between gettin’ hired and fired!” Mrs. Jafee yelled. “Get outta here! You’re fired!”
    “I must go?” asked Swami Havabanana.
    “You betcha!” Mrs. Jafee said. “Beat it! And take your doggone bed of nails with you!”
    She chased Swami Havabanana out of the gym.
    Mrs. Jafee is daffy!

6
Stonewall Jackson
    Every Tuesday after fizz ed we go see Mrs. Roopy in the media center. It used to be called the “library,” but over the summer they changed it to the “media center.” Nobody knows why.
    When we got there, Mrs. Roopy wasn’t around, but a guy with a beard wasstanding at attention in a gray army uniform. He looked a lot like Mrs. Roopy, except that he only had one arm.
    “Mrs. Roopy?” we all asked.
    “Roopy? Never heard of her,” the army guy said. “General Stonewall Jackson, at your service. I am one of the most important Southern generals of the Civil War.”
    “You couldn’t possibly be Stonewall Jackson,” Andrea said. “The Civil War took place a hundred and fifty years ago.”
    “Yes, don’t I look young for my age?” said Stonewall Jackson.
    I was almost sure he was really Mrs. Roopy in a Stonewall Jackson costume. Mrs. Roopy is loopy.
    “What happened to your arm?” Neil the nude kid asked.
    “Sit around me on the floor and I’ll tell you,” Stonewall Jackson said. “It was Maysecond, 1863, at the Battle of Chancellorsville. In the fog of war, my own men shot me by accident. The doctors had to remove my arm to save my life.”

    “WOW,” we all said, which is “MOM” upside down.
    “Why do they call you Stonewall?” asked Ryan.
    “It was at the Battle of Bull Run in 1861,” Stonewall whispered. “My Virginia brigade was getting beaten badly. One of my men saw me and said, ‘Look, there stands Jackson like a stone wall.’ The men were so inspired, they