Mr Gum and the Secret Hideout Read Free Page B

Six, if you see somebody readin’ a book
Rip the last page out so they
can’t find out how it ends!
    Rule Seven, if you ever meet
the Devil in the moonlight
Kick him in the tail an’ run away!
Rule Eight, if he tries to come after you
Run away a little bit more!
    CHORUS:
    It’s the Ten Rules of Evil
It’s the Ten Rules of Evil
Oh, you jus’ will not believe all
Of them tricks we like to play!
    Rule Nine, if you should ever
get invited to a party
Puke on all the guests an’ make a fuss!
An’ as for Rule Ten, well, we ain’t gonna tell ya
Cos we don’t want you to end up
Quite as evil as us!
    (Two hour drum solo played on Billy’s head with a ‘silk handkerchief’)
    FIN
    ‘What a brilliant song that was,’ said Mr Gum.
    ‘Yeah,’ said Billy William. ‘What a brilliant song that was.’
    ‘Yeah,’ said a voice in the darkness. ‘What a brilliant song that was.’
    ‘Who’s there?’ shouted Mr Gum, turning this way and that, his bashing fists at the ready.
    ‘I’ll – oh, it’s you.’

    ‘That’s right! It is I!’ said Surprising Ben, jumping out from a bush.
    ‘I pop up here, I pop up there! Surprise! Surprise! I’m everywhere!’
    And off he ran, giggling like a moonbeam.
    ‘I’m gettin’ sick of Surprisin’ Ben,’ growled Mr Gum. ‘Anyway, who cares – here we are at last.’
    Yes, folks, Mr Gum and Billy had come to the Lamonic River, which is like the rest of Lamonic Bibber, only wetter and with more crisp packets floating around on it.
    Swisheroo. Swisheroo. Swisheroo.

    The soft waters lapped against the riverbank. The insects buzzed overhead. Somewhere in the distance a dog barked. Or maybe the dog was actually much closer than that, and just barking quietly to pretend it was further away than it seemed. Dogs can be crafty like that.
    ‘Whadda we do now?’ whispered Billy as they stood there on the hot, steaming riverbank, toads and vagabonds dribbling on their boots.
    ‘Now we give the signal,’ grinned Mr Gum, and he looked so awful in the smog and the fog that even Billy felt afraid and fell back a step. Still grinning, Mr Gum removed his hat to reveal an enormous candle made of sheep fat stuck on his pointy head.
    ‘Light me up, Billy me boy,’ whispered Mr Gum, so Billy lit a match by just looking at a match and hoping it would somehow light. Then he lit the candle on Mr Gum’s head and all at once it blazed up with a horrible green and orange glow, like a Halloween pumpkin who simply will not behave. The ghastly light spilled over the scene, cutting through the smog and making Billy see all sorts of shapes and phantoms in the mist.
    ‘Ha ha,’ said the shapes and phantoms in the mist. ‘We are shapes and phantoms in the mist.’
    And then there was a whisper from downriver – ‘That’s it, lads! There’s the signal!’
    And something came gliding through the murky waters to meet them.

Chapter 6
The Midnight Meating
    S wisheroo. Swisheroo. Swisheroo.
    The waters lapped gently in the hot tropical night.
    Chug. Chug.
    The dark shape came slowly down the river.
    Bzzzz. Bzzzzzzzz.
    Swarms of mosquitoes, drawn to the candlelight, circled lazily around Mr Gum’s head.
    Phwick! Snark! Slurrrrp!
    Billy flicked out his tongue and scoffed one down.
    And lying hidden beneath a pebble, watching the whole horrid scene unfold, were Polly and Friday. Their eyes widened as the candle spat out the last of its grisly light.
    ‘So Crazy Barry Fungus was right,’ whispered Polly. ‘There’s well mysterious goin’s on goin’ on! An’ it looks like Mr Gum’s behind it all!’
    Chug chug chug.
    Slowly the thing on the river came into sight. It was an old-fashioned steamboat, its battered, patched-up sides lurching drunkenly in the moonlight. A paddlewheel on the side turned as it chugged along, and a huge funnel bloated out clouds of greyish-black smoke into the night sky. A ragged flag hung from the prow, showing a pig’s skull with two pork chops crossed