Mr Gum and the Secret Hideout Read Free Page A

and licked it up again.
    ‘I do not know,’ he spat. ‘Maybe something. Maybe nothing at all. Maybe I am just a silly old featherbrain who doesn’t know what he’s on about. But –’
    Lick lick lick. Spit spit spit.
    ‘I think you should go down to the river tonight and investigate. That is all. Good day to you both.’
    And – GULP-IT-DOWN-CHAFFINCH-BOY-YOU-GOTTA-GULP-IT-DOWN! – he swallowed all the birdseed in a single almighty gulp.
    ‘Thank you,’ said Polly as the helpful creature hopped out of the office.
    ‘You’re welcome, don’t mention it,’ replied Crazy Barry Fungus in a deep booming voice. ‘I mean – tweet tweet tweet, I can’t talk. I’m only a chaffinch!’
    And off he hopped in his silver cage, chirping all the way.
    ‘What a lunatic,’ marvelled Friday, who was busy measuring the desk to see if it had secretly shrunk since they’d last seen it. Friday had a theory that desks were always trying to shrink, in order to fool people.
    ‘Well, lunatic or not, he’s the only one what done helped us so far,’ said Polly. ‘I says we go down to the river tonight to sees what’s whats!’

Chapter 5
Down by the Riverside
    N ight time, and two mysterious figures were creeping through the darkness in their hobnail boots. Actually they weren’t all that mysterious. They were Mr Gum and Billy, obviously. Although Billy had burned all his clothes back in Chapter Three, he was wearing a brand new uniform of butcher’s apron, cap and trousers. And why? Because butchers are like lizards and can grow their skins back at any time.
    ‘Feel how hot it’s gettin’, Billy, me old funnel?’ said Mr Gum as they walked along.
    ‘Yeah,’ laughed Billy William. ‘The air’s as thick as muck. An’ look,’ he remarked, snatching up a gigantic fly with bright blue wings and about eight million legs and poison dripping from its jaws. ‘Dirty tropical weirdies everywhere!’
    ‘Yeah,’ agreed Mr Gum, kicking a nearby tarantula in the face. ‘An’ it’s all down to the miracles of poisonous gases an’ pollution!’
    Laughing softly, Mr Gum and Billy William crept through the night, and all around them strange insects and animals buzzed and flapped and hooted. But after quite a bit of creeping, Mr Gum realised something was wrong.
    ‘Billy,’ whispered Mr Gum. ‘Here we are, creepin’ along, an’ all this time we forgot about the First Rule of Evil.’
    ‘Oh, yeah,’ said Billy, slapping himself on the forehead. ‘What is it again, I forgot.’
    Mr Gum regarded him with a frown. ‘You really are an idiot, Billy. The First Rule of Evil is:
    Whenever you are goin’ creepin’
through the darkness,
Sing an evil song as you go by!
    ‘Oh, yeah,’ laughed Billy. ‘Now I remember.’
    And with that, the two villains started up with their evil song, and though they sung it soft on the wind, all over town children suddenly started having nightmares, and all the milk turned bad, and a horse in a nearby field went mad and started frothing at the mouth, and then a moth flew by and the horse started frothing at the moth. For the song was indeed a terrible evil affair, and it went a little bit sort of something like this:
    THE TEN RULES OF EVIL
    CHORUS:
    It’s the Ten Rules of Evil
It’s the Ten Rules of Evil
An’ you jus’ will not believe all
Of them tricks we like to play!
    Rule One, whenever you are
goin’ creepin’ through the darkness
Sing an evil song as you go by!
Rule Two, if you see happy children
watchin’ cartoons
Turn the channel over so they cry!
    Rule Three, if you see insects,
pick ’em up in a bag
An’ chuck ’em in people’s food!
Rule Four, if there’s a knock
at your front door
Open it an’ shout out
somethin’ rude!
    CHORUS:
    It’s the Ten Rules of Evil
It’s the Ten Rules of Evil
Oh, you jus’ will not believe all
Of them tricks we like to play!
    Rule Five, if there’s a great big
circus comin’ to town
Beat up all the clowns an’ all their friends!
Rule