Lady Windermere's Fan Read Free

long. I assure you, my dear, that on several
occasions after I was first married, I had to pretend to be very
ill, and was obliged to drink the most unpleasant mineral waters,
merely to get Berwick out of town. He was so extremely
susceptible. Though I am bound to say he never gave away any large
sums of money to anybody. He is far too high-principled for that!
    LADY WINDERMERE.
(Interrupting.)
Duchess, Duchess, it's
impossible!
(Rising and crossing stage to C.)
We are only married
two years. Our child is but six months old.
(Sits in chair R. of
L. table.)
    DUCHESS OF BERWICK. Ah, the dear pretty baby! How is the little
darling? Is it a boy or a girl? I hope a girl—Ah, no, I remember
it's a boy! I'm so sorry. Boys are so wicked. My boy is
excessively immoral. You wouldn't believe at what hours he comes
home. And he's only left Oxford a few months—I really don't know
what they teach them there.
    LADY WINDERMERE. Are ALL men bad?
    DUCHESS OF BERWICK. Oh, all of them, my dear, all of them, without
any exception. And they never grow any better. Men become old,
but they never become good.
    LADY WINDERMERE. Windermere and I married for love.
    DUCHESS OF BERWICK. Yes, we begin like that. It was only
Berwick's brutal and incessant threats of suicide that made me
accept him at all, and before the year was out, he was running
after all kinds of petticoats, every colour, every shape, every
material. In fact, before the honeymoon was over, I caught him
winking at my maid, a most pretty, respectable girl. I dismissed
her at once without a character.—No, I remember I passed her on to
my sister; poor dear Sir George is so short-sighted, I thought it
wouldn't matter. But it did, though—it was most unfortunate.
(Rises.)
And now, my dear child, I must go, as we are dining out.
And mind you don't take this little aberration of Windermere's too
much to heart. Just take him abroad, and he'll come back to you
all right.
    LADY WINDERMERE. Come back to me?
(C.)
    DUCHESS OF BERWICK.
(L.C.)
Yes, dear, these wicked women get our
husbands away from us, but they always come back, slightly damaged,
of course. And don't make scenes, men hate them!
    LADY WINDERMERE. It is very kind of you, Duchess, to come and tell
me all this. But I can't believe that my husband is untrue to me.
    DUCHESS OF BERWICK. Pretty child! I was like that once. Now I
know that all men are monsters.
(LADY WINDERMERE rings bell.)
The
only thing to do is to feed the wretches well. A good cook does
wonders, and that I know you have. My dear Margaret, you are not
going to cry?
    LADY WINDERMERE. You needn't be afraid, Duchess, I never cry.
    DUCHESS OF BERWICK. That's quite right, dear. Crying is the
refuge of plain women but the ruin of pretty ones. Agatha,
darling!
    LADY AGATHA.
(Entering L.)
Yes, mamma.
(Stands back of table
L.C.)
    DUCHESS OF BERWICK. Come and bid good-bye to Lady Windermere, and
thank her for your charming visit.
(Coming down again.)
And by
the way, I must thank you for sending a card to Mr. Hopper—he's
that rich young Australian people are taking such notice of just at
present. His father made a great fortune by selling some kind of
food in circular tins—most palatable, I believe—I fancy it is the
thing the servants always refuse to eat. But the son is quite
interesting. I think he's attracted by dear Agatha's clever talk.
Of course, we should be very sorry to lose her, but I think that a
mother who doesn't part with a daughter every season has no real
affection. We're coming to-night, dear.
(PARKER opens C. doors.)
And remember my advice, take the poor fellow out of town at once,
it is the only thing to do. Good-bye, once more; come, Agatha.
    (Exeunt DUCHESS and LADY AGATHA C.)
    LADY WINDERMERE. How horrible! I understand now what Lord
Darlington meant by the imaginary instance of the couple not two
years married. Oh! it can't be true—she spoke of enormous sums of
money paid to this woman. I know where Arthur keeps his bank book-
-in one of the drawers