Keep The Giraffe Burning Read Free

Hank?’
    ‘Madness and chaos. You might as well have pears in the light sockets and a banana on the telephone cradle, far all I can make of it’
    He laughed. ‘That’s better. We’ll crazify you yet’
    I pointed to a poster-covered cylinder standing in the corner. One of the posters had Uncle Sam, saying ‘I Need MEN for Congress’.
    ‘What’s that Parisian advertising kiosk doing here?’
    ‘Rastus built that for us, out of scrap alloys I had lying around. Like it?’
    I shrugged. ‘The top’s too pointed. It looks like –’
    ‘Yes, go on.’
    ‘This is silly. All of you need a few sessions with Dr Grobe’ I said. ‘I’m leaving.’
    ‘I was afraid you’d say that. But it’s you who need another session with Dr Grobe, Hank.’
    ‘You think
I’m
crazy?’
    ‘No, you’re too damned sane.’
    ‘Well you sure as hell are nuts!’ I shouted. ‘Why bother with all the security outside? Afraid someone will steal the idea of a minstrel show or the secret of a kiosk?’
    He laughed again. ‘Hank, those guards aren’t there to keep strangers out.
They’re to keep us in.
You see, my house really and truly is a madhouse.’
    I stamped out a side door and ordered my helicopter.
    ‘My head’s killing me,’ I told the guard. ‘Take it easy with that blindfold.’
    ‘Oh, sorry, mac. Hey look, it’s none of my business, but what did you do with that tree you brung with you?’
    ‘Tree?’ God, even the guards were catching it.
    That evening I went to see Dr Grobe.
    ‘Another patient? I swear, I’m going to install a revolving door on this office. Sit down. Uh, Hank LaFarge, isn’t it? Sit down, Hank. Let’s see … oh, you’re the guy who’s afraid of cockroaches, right?’
    ‘Not exactly afraid of them. In fact they remind me of someone I used to be fond of. Pawlie Sutton used to work with them. But my problem is, I know that cockroaches are the real bosses. We’re just kidding ourselves with our puppet government, our Uncle Sham –’
    He chuckled appreciatively.
    ‘But what “bugs” me is, nobody will recognize this plain and simple truth, Doctor.’
    ‘Ah, ah. Remember last time, you agreed to call me by my first name?’
    ‘Sorry, uh, Oddpork.’ I couldn’t imagine why anyone with that name wanted to be called by it, unless the doctor himself was trying to get used to it He was an odd-pork of a man, too: plump and rumpy, with over-large hands that never stopped adjusting his already well-adjusted clothes. He always looked surprised at everything I said, even ‘hello’. Every session, he made the same joke about the revolving door.
    Still, repetitive jokes help build a family atmosphere, which was probably what he wanted. There was a certain comfort in this stale atmosphere of no surprises. Happy families are all alike, and their past is exactly like their future.
    ‘Hank, I haven’t asked you directly about your cockroach theorybefore, have I? Want to tell me about it?’
    ‘I know it sounds crazy at first. For one thing, cockroaches aren’t very smart, I know that. In some ways, they’re stupider than ants. And their communication equipment isn’t much, either. Touch and smell, mainly. They aren’t naturally equipped for conquering the world.’
    Oddpork lit a cigar and leaned back, looking at the ceiling. ‘What do they do with the world when they get it?’
    ‘That’s another problem. After all, they don’t need the world. All they need is food, water, a fair amount of darkness and some warmth. But there’s the key, you see?
    ‘I mean we humans have provided for all these needs for many centuries. Haphazardly, though. So it stands to reason that life would be better for them if we worked for them on a regular basis. But to get us to do that, they have to take over first.’
    He tried to blow a smoke ring, failed, and adjusted his tie. ‘Go on. How do they manage this takeover?’
    ‘I’m not sure, but I think they have help. Maybe some smart tinkerer wanted to