Just a Couple of Days Read Free Page B

air guitar.
“Fi-yurrrrr!”
    â€œAll right, Brother Zygote! You tell ’em!” A large male student jeered and cheered. The congregation followed his lead.
    â€œYou’re like a bunch of copulating rabbits! Just spill your seed anywhere you feel like it, governed by your penises!” The
crowd burst into laughter. “Worshipping your penises! Letting your
penises
rule your lives!”
    â€œYou just like to say
penis
!” the heckler yelled back, much to the amusement of all assembled. “Say hey, where’s the little woman today?”
    â€œAt home, of course,” Brother Zebediah snorted.
    â€œShe pregnant?” someone else called out.
    â€œNot yet, but the factory’s still open. Sister Sally and I are going to repopulate the Earth with people who think like us.”
    â€œ
Seig Heil!
” Heckler clicked his heels together and saluted him with an outstretched fist.
    â€œSir, you’re being rude!” Brother Zebediah thundered at him. “I’m trying to preach a message!”
    â€œSir, you’re going to hell! How’s that for rude?” Heckler responded. Other members of the herd contributed less belligerent protests. “Tell us again about the time you did acid!” Heckler’s voice boomed above the rest.
    â€œIt’s true,” Brother Zebediah admitted. “I lost half my brain to LSD in the sinful sixties. But that just makes things fair, children, otherwise I’d be so far above you kids that we couldn’t communicate! So listen carefully and
be not deceived
!” Brother Zebediah picked up a bright orange laminated poster board and began to recite what was on it. “Masturbators, Feminists, Adulterers, Whores, Homosexuals, Lesbians, Hippies, Buddha-heads, Evolutionists, Blasphemers, Drunkards, Pro-choicers, Pagans, Potheads, Mormons, Jews , Muslims, Hare Krishnas, and especially
Fornicators
are going to
hell
!” 2 He hurled the poster of the damned aside and roared in self-congratulatory fury, “Jeyzus is coming! Jeyzus is
coming
!”
    â€œJesus is coming?” Heckler retorted. “Is that some kind of dirty joke?”
    â€œLet’s take a little survey.” Brother Zebediah ignored the laughter and began anew. “How many
masturbators
do we have here?”
    Heckler raised his hand, followed by others. “Wait, does it count if I masturbate by myself?”
    â€œMasturbators! Be not deceived! You’re going straight to
hell
!”
    â€œDo you masturbate?” Heckler called back.
    â€œNo, I do not masturbate, you pervert!” Brother Zebediah pointed at him, flinging righteous lightning from his fingertip. “You sinner! You covet my godliness! You’re jealous ’cause you’re running around jackin’ off! You could lay one of these cheap campus whores every night and still go home and smack your monkey!” Uproarious laughter prevented Heckler from responding immediately, and Brother Zebediah quickly continued. “And how many
pot
smokers do we have here?”
    Heckler and his buddies cheered enthusiastically.
    â€œWell I got bad news, children. You fail. Go directly to hell! Do not pass Go, do not collect two hundred dollars. Smoke that pot, you’re gonna rot! Drink that booze, you’re gonna lose!
Fornicate
, and you’re not gonna see that pearly gate!”
    â€œBut God made marijuana!” one of Heckler’s comrades yelled.
    â€œGod made poison ivy, too, that doesn’t mean you should roll around in it!”
    â€œWell, what if you eat it?”
    Brother Zebediah furrowed his brow a moment,
considering the question, then replied, quite seriously, “Well, you’re still ingesting it, so yes, you qualify for hell.”
    Heckler’s comrade, not terribly swift, crossed his arms and shook his head, shifting awkwardly from foot to foot. Brother Zebediah took advantage of his upper hand and immediately resumed