I Think You're Totally Wrong Read Free

can—
    CALEB: Mooooo!
    DAVID: We need ninety-seven—
    CALEB: Moo! Moo!
    DAVID: Okay. I get it. The interrupting cow?
    CALEB: “Knock, knock! Who’s there? Interrupting Cow. Interrup—Moo!”
    DAVID: Did you just come across that?
    CALEB: From
Enough About You
. You said that was the funniest joke you ever heard.
    DAVID: It was my favorite joke at the time. Seemed like a good thing to say in the Bill Murray chapter, since he’s such an interrupting cow.
    CALEB: You kept talking and I kept mooing.
    DAVID: Noted.
    CALEB: I hope you’re not one of those types that, you know, never cracks a joke and never acknowledges a joke cracked.
    DAVID: I am humor incarnate, my friend.

    CALEB: What’d you think of
Adderall Diaries
?
    DAVID: I don’t know. I wanted to love it but didn’t. I liked itokay. I like consciousness contending with experience. It felt to me more like experience. What did you think?
    CALEB: Murder, sex, drugs, confusion. Good stuff.

    CALEB: I haven’t gotten to Helen Schulman’s
This Beautiful Life
. Not sure why you suggested it.
    DAVID: It’s just an example of the kind of book I think doesn’t need to be written anymore.
    CALEB: Have you read it?
    DAVID: No, but—
    CALEB: You’re asking me to read books you haven’t read?
    DAVID: I don’t think I said, “Could you read this book?” I just meant, “Caleb, let’s bookmark this and talk about it later.” I’ve read a lot about the book, I’ve read her other novels, and I know her. It’s about what happens when a sex tape goes viral at a high school. But we’ve all already processed this narrative in real time: we already did this novel through the Tyler Clementi case.
    CALEB: There was the Billy Lucas suicide and so many others.
    DAVID: That was DeLillo’s big idea twenty-five years ago: terrorists are the new novelists.
    CALEB: You probably didn’t read
We Need to Talk About Kevin
, then, either.
    DAVID: Really great title, but what novel could ever touch Columbine?
    CALEB: A friend of mine wrote a novel about a pop-star celebrity—how he picked up boys and took them to his mansion, etc. His agent wouldn’t even send it out.
    DAVID: Why not?
    CALEB: The main character was transparently Michael Jackson. The topic was too controversial, I guess.
    DAVID: For a long time I wanted to write about Tonya Harding. These moments really grip you during the time they’re happening, but I’ve come to realize that for me, anyway—
    CALEB:
(stops car)
Uh-oh.
    David looks intently out the windshield
.
    CALEB: Jeez, I wasn’t even going fast. I saw the crosswalk but didn’t see her. I’ll wait until she crosses.

    CALEB:
How Literature Saved My Life
—the title doesn’t work.
    DAVID: Seriously?
    CALEB:
How Literature Saved
Your
Life
?
    DAVID: The good thing about it is that it doesn’t need a subtitle. “What’s it about?” Well, it’s about how literature saved my life.
    CALEB: That’s every book you write. Didn’t Steve Almond already write
How Rock ’n’ Roll Saved My Life
?
    DAVID:
Rock and Roll Will Save Your Life
. Did you see that thing Almond and I did? Someone interviewed me, then she asked Almond to criticize my answers. It was supposed to be funny.
    CALEB: He seems like a cool guy.
    DAVID: He’s lively.
    CALEB: His persona, when he’s in his element, works. He should be a comedian, but he’s not a serious writer—“serious” being a writer who writes about “serious” topics.
    DAVID: In person he’s charming. And he’s quick, insanely quick. I like him, even if I’m not a huge fan of his work, and I think the feeling is mutual. I find his stuff a little superficial, don’t you?
    CALEB: He hasn’t earned the right to be a political authority. Not that I have, either, but I’m not going around issuing self-indulgent moral