I Think You're Totally Wrong Read Free Page B

“literary snob.”
    DAVID: And yet she mocks your preference for beer over wine.
    CALEB: She loves Harlan Coben. He writes the Myron Bolitar series. She’ll say, “You’d like Myron Bolitar because he was a basketball player, number one draft pick for the Celtics who blew his knee out and became an agent who cleans up athletes’ messes. Not only that, it’s verrrrrrrrrrrrrry literary!” Two months ago, when you and I marked this trip on the calendar, I said to her, “Give
Reality Hunger
a shot. I’m really interested in your take; it’ll give us something to talk about. I’m going to leave this book on the night table, and please take a look.” She said, “Okay.” She still hasn’t read it.
    DAVID: And you put it there in August?
    CALEB: Yes.
    DAVID: Laurie is capable of the same.
    CALEB: But she likes Wallace.
    DAVID: That’s not generally her taste. Maybe it’s a Midwestern thing. “Shipping Out,” “The Illinois State Fair,” “Consider the Lobster,” and “Host,” but those are it. Non-writers could never fathom the hurt inflicted—or maybe they can.
    CALEB: My dad read that
Gulf Coast
Q&A you and I did and called it literary fluff. Sarah read our interview in the
Rumpus
and couldn’t get past the fact that we said “fuck” a few times. I didn’t know what to say. Then Sarah read a few pages of
Reality Hunger
and wasn’t impressed, and Terry shares Sarah’s opinion, even though she hasn’t read a word of it.
    DAVID: Some galleys of
How Literature Saved My Life
arrived while I was away. Natalie said, “We opened the box not knowing what it was, and then we read it. We really liked it. So funny!” I asked, “How far did you get?” They stopped at page twenty. There’s a heavy-duty sex scene at about page fifty that I’m glad they didn’t get to, but I was just sort of baffled that they’d read and stop after twenty pages. Not even curious? I wonder if it has something to do with not wanting to know about that part of you.
    CALEB: Terry hates the way I analyze everything. I pushed some books on her that she liked: Rian Malan’s
My Traitor’s Heart
, Jung Chang’s
Wild Swans
, Maugham. Then she wanted me to read
Water for Elephants
and
Stones from the River
. I’m open, but I immediately started dissecting. She says I don’t like books because of envy, because I’m unpublished. As if, all of a sudden, I’m going to like these books as soon as I’m published.
    DAVID: Would Terry read
Thing About Life
?
    CALEB: She’d probably like that more than
Reality Hunger
.
    DAVID: Maybe she’d like
Dead Languages
.
    CALEB: She might.
    DAVID: She wants smooth entertainment. What does she like beyond Simón Bolívar or whatever his name is?
    CALEB: Oprah selections: Rohinton Mistry. Amy Tan. Lisa See.
    DAVID: Those are probably not terrible.
    CALEB: She’s a big David Sedaris fan. She’s always, “Why can’t you be funny and write like David Sedaris?”

    DAVID: Did Terry ever read your rape novel?
    CALEB: Maybe ten percent. She says she supports my writing, and if I ever get published, she expects me to write in the acknowledgments, “I thank my wife for her loving support.” She supports me as a father and husband but not as a writer. She endures my writing. My passion could be race car driving or eating hot dogs for all she cares. I don’t know if she’ll even read this.
    DAVID: Sounds like she wouldn’t.
    CALEB: Well, I’m not going to edit myself. I realize family or intimates don’t like to see themselves portrayed in an uncomplimentary manner. Writers turn to fiction to protest, perhaps.
    DAVID: You’re still invested in fiction in ways that I’m not.

    CALEB:
(to the DVR)
September 29th, 2011, 8:38 p.m. Caleb and David are departing from the parking lot at Red Apple