How to Be a Normal Person Read Free

the breeding is quick and chaotic, and nannies may choose multiple partners while the male chooses only one. Gus had been slightly horrified at the fact that there were promiscuous female goats. He decided he was glad he was human. Most of the time.
    He finished dusting thirty minutes later. He went back to the counter. Harry S. Truman was blinking sleepily from his blanket. Gus put the feather duster back in its place, entered his password into the computer ( WiTcHITA123KANSas because he’d never been there and nobody would ever guess), and straightened his name tag.
    He looked at the clock and counted down the last minute in his head.
    “Okay,” he said out loud when the second hand crossed the twelve. “Today is going to be an okay day.”
    He took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
    Gustavo Tiberius, named by his father who was three years dead and a mother who took off when he was three years old never to be seen again, moved to the front of the store. He unlocked the door, turned the plastic sign hanging on it to Open, and flipped the switch to light up the neon letters hanging in the front store window.
    It was the 135 th day of the year, May 15 th , 2014. It was a Thursday in the spring with the sun shining and the smell of pine trees in the cool, mountain air. It was going to be an okay day, because Gus had said so. He didn’t need inspirational messages given by polyamorous lesbians (who could actually just be sisters). He didn’t need banana-nut muffins made by alliterative short women with drag queen hair. He had his father’s ferret, his father’s ancient computer, and Pastor Tommy’s Video Rental Emporium (all seventeen hundred square feet of it) was now officially open, serving the people of Abby, Oregon, and the surrounding areas, Monday through Saturday, opening daily at nine and closing at five. Gift cards were available upon request. Tuesdays were ninety-nine cent rental day, up to three rentals.
    God, how Gus hated Tuesdays. At least four people came in on Tuesdays.
    But it was Thursday, now.
    And it was going to be an okay day.

Chapter 2
     
     
    NO ONE came into the store all morning, but that was to be expected. It was a Thursday, after all, and Gus would have frowned at anyone who actually had the time to rent a movie instead of being at work. Granted, he would have frowned at anyone regardless, but that was just part of who he was. This specific frown would have been one of judgment and mild disdain. The fact that the store was only open when people should have been at work didn’t really cross his mind.
    But Pastor Tommy had always instilled in him that the customer was number one!!! so Gus sat on his stool behind the counter and watched the front door, waiting in case someone who obviously contributed nothing to society came in on a Thursday morning to rent a movie.
    But no one did. Gus felt better about that.
    It was 11:54 exactly when he received his first customers of the day. But they were expected as they came in every day he was open at 11:54. Not a minute earlier or later. Gus thought they stood out of sight, syncing their watches until the exact moment arrived to descend upon him and rent their movie for the day. He did not frown in judgment at them because he was in awe of them, though he would never admit it.
    The We Three Queens: Bertha, Bernice, and Betty.
    They arrived on their matching Vespas, their pink leather jackets bedazzled with a queen’s crown on the back. Bertha, as always, was in the lead. If there ever could be considered a lesbian leader of Abby, Oregon’s, very own biker (Vespa) gang, it would be her.
    Bertha was in her late seventies, had an almost perfect afro of white hair, curled weekly at Midge’s Hair Salon a couple of blocks down on Main Street. Her hands were boney and her eyes were sharp. Her voice was whiskey smooth.
    Bernice wore a green wig today, given that she was susceptible to female pattern baldness, something she’d told Gus even though he