How to Be a Normal Person Read Free Page B

for it,” Bertha agreed. “Nothing comes easy.” She flipped up the collar of her pink jacket and gazed off into the distance, obviously ruminating on all the work she’d had to do and the rewards she’d received for said hard work. Like that jacket. Or her hair.
    “True, true,” Betty said. “Hard work is worth the results at the end.”
    “Elevators only kill approximately six people a year,” Gus said, because he couldn’t not say it. “Stairs kill thousands. If anything, I’d want to take the elevator to increase my chances of not dying.”
    They all stared at him again.
    “It’s true,” Gus said. “Look it up in the encyclopedia. I did. That’s how I know.”
    Bertha snorted. “Gus, it’s 2014. I can look it up on my smartphone.”
    “Oh, Bertha,” Bernice said, pursing her lips. “You know Gus still has a flip phone from the last decade. There’s no need to rub it in.”
    “It does stuff,” Gus said. “I can text.”
    “Not picture messages,” Bertha said, fingers flying over her phone’s touch screen.
    “I don’t need picture messages,” Gus said. “I have a phone. It’s for making phone calls. Not hipster Instagramming a picture of a plate of quinoa salad in what is supposed to be artistic lighting so everyone can see what I had for lunch.”
    “What the hell is quinoa salad?” Bertha asked.
    “Sounds Lebanese,” Bernice said. “Or maybe Icelandic.”
    “And who do you call?” Betty asked him, cocking her head.
    “People,” Gus said, averting his eyes. “For stuff.”
    “People,” Bertha repeated, not even looking up from her phone. “For stuff.”
    “Yes,” Gus said with a scowl. “Like… the pizza place. For pizza.”
    “Huh,” Bertha said. “Six people die a year in elevators.”
    “Ha,” Gus said. “Take that, Internet.”
    “Harry S. Truman is waking up,” Bernice said, bending over until she was level with the cage. “Oh look at those pretty red eyes of evil.”
    Harry S. Truman yawned.
    Even Gus said aww . He would deny it until his dying day, though. Because that was just ridiculous.
    “Ladies,” Betty said. “We’re here on a mission.”
    “Ah, yes,” Bertha said. “Gus, we need to return Cannibal Rollerbabes . And go on to the next movie. Which probably also has cannibal in the title given that this is your video store.”
    “That is most likely correct,” Gus said. “Opinion?”
    “Using radio-controlled female cannibals on roller blades to lure men to eat was positively a stroke of genius,” Bernice said. “I admit, however, to thinking there could have been more babes in Cannibal Rollerbabes .”
    “It’s from Canada,” Gus said.
    “Ohh,” the We Three Queens said, because that explained everything.
    “What’s next?” Betty asked.
    Bertha sighed from the shelf where the C s began. “ Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death . Seriously, Gus?”
    “It’s a movie with very strong feminist moralistic backbone,” Gus said seriously. “And also, it has a battle between the Barracuda Women and the Piranha Women. Both are cannibal tribes. You know. In the Avocado Jungle. Fun fact, it’s based upon Heart of Darkness .”
    “Betty,” Bernice whispered.
    “Yes, Bernice.”
    “Did Gus just say ‘fun fact’?”
    “I believe he did,” Betty said.
    “Whoa,” Bernice breathed.
    “I did not,” Gus said, glaring at all three of them in turn. “You misheard.”
    “It’s the inspirational calendar,” Bertha said, ignoring him completely. “It’s bringing him out of his shell and making him a bright burst of light and color.”
    “He’s like that Katy Perry song,” Bernice said. “He’s a firework. Boom, boom, boom.”
    Gus knew then that something had to be wrong with his life when a probable lesbian could compare him to a Katy Perry song. He made plans to burn the inspirational calendar as soon as he got home, and to spread the ashes over a four-mile radius. He hoped that would be enough to negate the effects