Hazards Read Free

have done. Anyone got a problem with that?”
    “No, Señor Jones,” said Consuela. “Or should we call you Doctor Jones?”
    “A simple El Presidente should do the trick,” I said. “Where’s the presidential palace from here?”
    “Three blocks north, Presidente,” said Consuela. “We will take you there right now.”
    We had to step around an awful lot of unsuccessful candidates for the office along the way, and I decided that my very first official act had better be to hire a small army of street cleaners. After about ten minutes we walked up to this stately-looking mansion which probably had four or five less windows than Buckingham Palace and maybe a little shorter driveway than the Taj Mahal.
    “Where’s the treasury from here?” I asked.
    “It’s in the east wing,” said Consuela.
    “You mean it’s part of the palace?”
    “The last 27 presidents didn’t want to let it out of their sight,” she said.
    “Why don’t we mosey over to it and see what all the fuss was about?” I said, and a couple of minutes later we were in this big underground vault that had piles of money everywhere.
    I felt an urge to put it in neat orderly stacks and admire it for a while, but first I figured I’d better spend a few days counting it, just to see how much I could borrow in times of need. But before I could start, Consuela grabbed my arm and began leading me away.
    “You can do the bookkeeping later, Presidente,” she said. “Right now you have more important tasks awaiting you.”
    “What’s more important than counting money?” I said as I fell into step beside her, and Raquel closed and locked the vault behind us.
    “I realize that the money looks impressive today,” explained Consuela, “but it won’t last. Between inflation and the debt your predecessors ran up, the treasury will be empty in less than two months. We must do something about that.”
    “Don’t forget that we also have to make plans to hold free elections,” added Maria.
    I thunk on it for a bit, and suddenly a great big Heavenly revelation hit me smack between the eyes.
    “I do believe I got the solution to both problems,” I announced.
    “Free elections and the treasury?” asked Consuela.
    “Who says they have to be free elections?” I said. “We’ll make ’em expensive elections and charge anyone who wants to vote a million dollars, or whatever our currency is, and that’ll put money in the treasury at the same time we’re holding an election.”
    “And what will become of you, Presidente?” said Maria. “What if some very wealthy men covet your job?”
    “I’ll just pop into the vault the night before and borrow as much as I need to vote early and often.”
    “You know,” said Raquel, “he’s already more resourceful than Ferdinand or Umberto.”
    “And he’s cuter than Riccardo,” added Maria.
    “Riccardo was a hunchback with a clubfoot and steel teeth,” Raquel pointed out.
    “ You found him attractive enough,” said Maria.
    “It was the uniform,” said Raquel defensively. “It blinded me to his true nature.”
    While they were arguing about whether Ferdinand was brighter than a potted plant and Riccardo was more attractive than a moldering corpse, we finally reached my office. It was about the size of a football field, with a huge, hand-carved mahogany desk at one end. There was a box of foot-long cigars sitting atop it, and I lit one up, sat down on the chair, and put my feet up on the desk.
    “You know, ladies,” I said, “I got a feeling that I’m going to like the president business.”
    “Don’t like it too much,” warned Consuela. “You’re only El Presidente until we can reinstate the constitution and live in freedom and harmony.”
    “Absolutely,” I said. “I ain’t looking for no lifetime job. I figure twenty years ought to do it. Thirty at the outside.”
    “I don’t think you fully understand your situation,” she replied.
    “What little tidbit am I missing?” I