Geekhood Read Free

westerns. But if I take the wrong thing…
    IM: It just doesn’t bear thinking about…
    I eventually settle on a wizard I painted a couple of months ago. It’s not a showboating piece, by any means, but I’m quite pleased with the flesh tones, and the detailI’ve put in on his cape was researched from ancient Celtic writings. It also boasts the best varnish job I’ve ever done: four layers of gloss that give it the look of china. It’s good enough to show that I’ve got a steady hand and I’m not frightened to use it. I lay it gently in a carry case and pack it with cotton wool.
    Two o’clock is just round the corner. If I get my act together, I should make it with time to spare.
    It’s time to ride into battle.
    I wonder if Mum’ll give me a lift?

TWO
    To be honest, I could have walked it; the new house is only about twenty minutes from town. But you don’t turn up late for a games day. It’s Geek Law. And even though I’m at least ten minutes early, the Hovel is already overflowing with Geeks. This means that on the pavement outside there are loads of little groups of guys my age and men in their forties, all wearing clothes that are meant to act as camouflage. In reality, their clothes are so drab that they might as well be wearing neon signs with “I’m a Geek – And So is He” flashing on and off above them. It’s a weird one, but in an effort to fly under the radar, they make themselves impossible to miss. I s’pose this is where me and my mates break from the herd; we dress pretty normally. But, then again, I’m a Geek, so what do I know?
    IM: You said it, not me.
    I eventually locate Beggsy standing with Ravi and Matt beside a lamp post.
    “Hey.”
    “Dude!” Beggsy’s always the first to respond. He’s got this hyped-up enthusiasm about pretty much anything you’d care to mention. If he wasn’t such a nerd, he’d bereally cool, if you see what I mean. It’s not that he looks like a dork or anything, he’s just a Geek to his teeth. The Geek Factor is a hard one to define, but you don’t need to be Simon Cowell to spot it. It might be the way somebody talks or what they talk about.
    IM: Star Wars versus Star Trek. Discuss .
    Often, they’ll be lacking the basic grooming techniques, such as sorting their hair out. The other big one is Geeks who have become Totally Immersed. Basically, this means that they identify heavily with a character from a film or book and go a bit too far in trying to look like them. Cue full-length leather coats or wispy goatee beards and ponytails. Those guys are proper Geeks.
    IM: And you’re just a regular guy…
    He might be a Geek to his teeth, but Beggsy doesn’t look like one. I don’t think I do either, for that matter. But Ravi and Matt… You don’t need a Geek Detector TM to single them out. Ravi’s got the permanent downcast expression of someone who’s heavy with hormones, and Matt is cursed with bright ginger hair and this sort of angular body language that shouts his awkwardness before he even opens his mouth. And when he does open his mouth, you get this kind of thin voice. It’s broken, but he’s no Darth Vader. The Touch of the Geek is definitely upon them. Matt deals with hisaffliction by dishing out sarcasm like a croupier deals cards. Ravi doesn’t say much – he just watches people, like everyone’s a potential threat: the Geek Factor in full flow. And he’s also got the deepest voice out of all of us, which sounds weird coming from such a weedy-looking guy.
    “Dude! What did you bring?” Beggsy asks, all enthusiasm and Mickey Mouse squeaks.
    I pull out my carry case and unveil my wizard. Three sets of eyes home in on it, examining my handiwork with hawk-like precision. Matt takes the wizard in his palm and squints at it in the sunlight.
    “What did you use for the gloss?” he mutters. “A roller?”
    This produces a couple of snorts and knowing guffaws from the rest of the gang – me included. It’s not that the guy’s