Find Big Fat Fanny Fast

Find Big Fat Fanny Fast Read Free

Book: Find Big Fat Fanny Fast Read Free
Author: Joe Bruno
Tags: Humour
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under the righteous noses of the good fathers, who were half asleep themselves at seven in the morning.
    In fact, Tony B repeatedly volunteered to serve the early mass for exactly that reason. By the time the 7:45 and 8:30 masses took place, the priests were already wide awake and more likely to notice that a bottle, or two of wine was missing from the rectory wine cabinet.
    This was especially true of Father Quincy, who Tony B thought was one step above a broken-down bum on the Bowery.
    Countless times, while Tony B poured wine into Father Quincy's chalice during Mass, the priest would grab Tony B's hand and force it downward saying, “Now there boy, stop pouring the wine as if it were medicine.” Only after the Chalice had reached his desired level of wine did father Quincy release his vice-like grip on Tony B's hand.
    So when it was Father Quincy who served the seven o'clock Mass, Tony B was in his own form of heaven. Tony B always arrived before everyone, with a duffel bag filled with his cassock and surplice, that he changed into as soon as he arrived, say at around 6:30 am. Then before the priest assigned to the seven o'clock Mass could stumble into the Sacristy, and while the Sacristan was busy lighting candles by the altar, Tony B went into full wine-copping mode.
    Tony B, with the help of little Richie Ratface Rambone, had months before snatched the wine cabinet key and had a copy made. So all Tony B had to do, when the coast was clear, was open the lock on the wine cabinet, remove a quart bottle and stuff it into his duffel bag, before anyone was any the wiser.
    One bottle would never be missed, but if Tony B had gotten greedy and stolen two or more bottles at the same time, someone might have caught on to his scheme. With one bottle missing, even if some dopey priest noticed, he would think it had been taken by another priest, for his late night escapades; whatever, wherever and with whomever they might be. Tony B knew all too well, the priests at Transfiguration Church, to one extent or another, were all alcoholics. So maybe by stealing a bottle of wine, he was actually doing them a favor.
    Every so often, a certain priest, say Father Quincy for instance, would disappear for a few weeks and sometimes even months. The excuse the Archdiocese gave to the parishioners was that the priest was on a retreat, reinforcing his relationship with God. When in fact, he was in some dry-out tank, at one of the many Catholic Church-owned hospitals spread throughout the country.
    Or maybe even worse.
    The worse being, one of the altar boys had told his parents that a certain holy father had accidentally put his hands down the front of little boy's trousers. This had happened more than anyone connected with the Catholic Church would ever admit. Yet after a few months of retreat life, the offending priest would be given a transfer to another parish, most often in another city, sometimes in another state and maybe even in another country.
    Now inquiring minds might ask, did Tony B steal the wine just to get drunk himself?
    Don't be absurd.
    Tony B hated wine. It tasted like someone had taken a leak in his mouth.
    Yet, Tony B had no problem selling the wine to his upperclassmen, in grades six, seven and eight, for a buck, or two, or whatever price moved him at that particular moment. Thus his early morning wine excursions earned Tony B just enough extra cash to buy his favorite girlie magazines at a newsstand on Chatham Square, run by a Chinaman, who would sell anything to anybody, regardless of race, color, creed, or more importantly in Tony B's case – his age.
    When he was ten years old, Tony B's parents moved to a spacious three bedroom apartment, in a six-story tenement on the corner of Mulberry and Worth Street, just down the block from the Department of Motor Vehicles.
    Since Tony B had his own bedroom and was now having multiple-daily erections, the girlie magazines he bought with the cash garnered from the stolen sacristy

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