Astrid," I snapped. "Tuck those hanging sacks of wrinkly flesh back into your unfortunate fashion disasters. Immediately. How did you get here?" I demanded.
"Not a clue, Knockers McHooterland," Jane grumbled as she shoved her boob back into her tube. "I heard little Sammy's voice in my head and next thing I knew I was staring at your inflated melons."
"Her funbags do look larger," Martha said to Jane as they stared at my chest.
"I'm nursing, Shit for Brains," I hissed at them.
"Shit for Brains," Sammy shouted gleefully.
"Oh my hell," I moaned as the old geezers whipped their heads to Sammy in shock.
"He talks?" Jane asked.
"Yes, he talks. Hallway. Now." I pointed at the door and then followed the nasty ancient bags as they shuffled out of the room.
"So I see your Gerber Servers grew," Martha said as she hiked up her boob tube somewhere in the vicinity of her neck.
"What did you just call my girls?" My eyes narrowed and I bit down on my cheek to hold back my laugh. I refused to let on that they had made a good one.
She chuckled and pointed a bony finger at my chest. "Well, I could have said Super Big Gulps or Milk Jugs, but I went with…"
"I heard you," I snapped, realizing this could go on for hours. "Your obsession with my rack borders on lesbianism." Their indignant gasps made me grin. "However, I wouldn't want to give an entire group of lovely people a horrific name by adding you to it. I prefer to think of you both as asexual and firmly believe you were hatched by aliens—who then ate each other after they took a good look at the two of you."
"Well, I've never," Jane grumbled as I watched Martha try to figure out what I just said.
"Yes, you have. Now here's the deal. I don't want you here, but my son does. If I wasn't horny you two wouldn't be allowed to set a foot in my home. As you heard, Sammy speaks now so anything you say can and will be held against you when he repeats it to me. I'm talking I will remove your arms and legs. They will take at least six months to grow back due to your Vampyre age, not to mention you were both eighty-nine when I mistakenly had you turned. Are we clear?" I asked as I watched them closely.
"We will defend your child with our lives," Martha grunted as she puffed out her skinny chest and looked me in the eye. "I will kill the mother-fuck out of anything that looks at that beautiful boy sideways. Then I will skin it and suck all the blood out of it unless it's a Troll. Trolls taste like ass. We tried two of the randy bastards just to make sure and we will not be imbibing Troll again any time soon," Martha explained solemnly as Jane nodded in agreement.
"Um…" I tried to stop her, but she was on a roll.
"After I skin the assjacket and drain it…unless it's a fucking Troll…I will snap all the bones and shove them up their dead ass carcass."
"I enjoy shoving the bad guy's entrails down his throat before he's dead to watch him choke," Jane added unhelpfully. "I love that child even though he entered the world through your vagina. That was just the luck of the draw and he lost. We do not hold that against him and we will kill the shit out of anything that wants to harm him."
"Good to know," I croaked, trying not to gag and run. "However, that was entirely too much information and you almost made me puke, which is an impossibility for a Vampyre. Congrats."
"You're welcome." Jane preened and Martha smirked.
"Can you actually do any of that?" I asked, not wanting the answer but needing to make sure they could really defend my child.
"Ask the Trolls," Jane whispered as she gave me the thumbs up sign.
"And the Zombies," Martha added as she winked six or seven times, which made her look like she had an alarming tic. "They taste worse than ass, by the way."
"I got nothing," I muttered as I made my way back into the office where my mate and child thankfully had heard none of the fucked
"Not a clue, Knockers McHooterland," Jane grumbled as she shoved her boob back into her tube. "I heard little Sammy's voice in my head and next thing I knew I was staring at your inflated melons."
"Her funbags do look larger," Martha said to Jane as they stared at my chest.
"I'm nursing, Shit for Brains," I hissed at them.
"Shit for Brains," Sammy shouted gleefully.
"Oh my hell," I moaned as the old geezers whipped their heads to Sammy in shock.
"He talks?" Jane asked.
"Yes, he talks. Hallway. Now." I pointed at the door and then followed the nasty ancient bags as they shuffled out of the room.
"So I see your Gerber Servers grew," Martha said as she hiked up her boob tube somewhere in the vicinity of her neck.
"What did you just call my girls?" My eyes narrowed and I bit down on my cheek to hold back my laugh. I refused to let on that they had made a good one.
She chuckled and pointed a bony finger at my chest. "Well, I could have said Super Big Gulps or Milk Jugs, but I went with…"
"I heard you," I snapped, realizing this could go on for hours. "Your obsession with my rack borders on lesbianism." Their indignant gasps made me grin. "However, I wouldn't want to give an entire group of lovely people a horrific name by adding you to it. I prefer to think of you both as asexual and firmly believe you were hatched by aliens—who then ate each other after they took a good look at the two of you."
"Well, I've never," Jane grumbled as I watched Martha try to figure out what I just said.
"Yes, you have. Now here's the deal. I don't want you here, but my son does. If I wasn't horny you two wouldn't be allowed to set a foot in my home. As you heard, Sammy speaks now so anything you say can and will be held against you when he repeats it to me. I'm talking I will remove your arms and legs. They will take at least six months to grow back due to your Vampyre age, not to mention you were both eighty-nine when I mistakenly had you turned. Are we clear?" I asked as I watched them closely.
"We will defend your child with our lives," Martha grunted as she puffed out her skinny chest and looked me in the eye. "I will kill the mother-fuck out of anything that looks at that beautiful boy sideways. Then I will skin it and suck all the blood out of it unless it's a Troll. Trolls taste like ass. We tried two of the randy bastards just to make sure and we will not be imbibing Troll again any time soon," Martha explained solemnly as Jane nodded in agreement.
"Um…" I tried to stop her, but she was on a roll.
"After I skin the assjacket and drain it…unless it's a fucking Troll…I will snap all the bones and shove them up their dead ass carcass."
"I enjoy shoving the bad guy's entrails down his throat before he's dead to watch him choke," Jane added unhelpfully. "I love that child even though he entered the world through your vagina. That was just the luck of the draw and he lost. We do not hold that against him and we will kill the shit out of anything that wants to harm him."
"Good to know," I croaked, trying not to gag and run. "However, that was entirely too much information and you almost made me puke, which is an impossibility for a Vampyre. Congrats."
"You're welcome." Jane preened and Martha smirked.
"Can you actually do any of that?" I asked, not wanting the answer but needing to make sure they could really defend my child.
"Ask the Trolls," Jane whispered as she gave me the thumbs up sign.
"And the Zombies," Martha added as she winked six or seven times, which made her look like she had an alarming tic. "They taste worse than ass, by the way."
"I got nothing," I muttered as I made my way back into the office where my mate and child thankfully had heard none of the fucked
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