and nodded. "That works for me."
"Sammy want Marfa and Jane," our little one yelled from his crib followed by a giggle that made my heart melt.
"Um, no, little man. Martha and Jane are…" I struggled for a word that meant crazy mother fucking cow asswankers without any swear words in it. Nothing came to mind.
Martha and Jane were old nasty bats. They had recently been turned into Vampyres when I had a very shortsighted moment of weakness. Some would call it compassion. I would label it a massive FUBAR blunder. They had been the bane of my existence for years when I was a human and taught art lessons at the Senior Center. However, when I saw them laying on the floor, bleeding out and dying from an attack by Rogue Demons, I let my compassion and inner-masochist out and had them turned into Vampyres. My reward was having to live with them for the rest of my very long life.
"Martha and Jane are very…you know…ummm." How could I word ass-munching bottom feeders so it wouldn't be offensive?
"Busy." Ethan saved me from God only knew what wanted to come flying from my mouth.
"Pweese, Mommy and Daddy? Me want Marfa and Jane. They funny," Sammy begged.
Motherhumpin' cowballs. How could I make this work? Holy Hell, he said pweese .
"How about Martha and Jane and The Kev and Gemma?" Ethan compromised.
Hmm, that was good, but it was still only two against two. I needed to outnumber the old buttwankers to feel comfortable. "And Venus," I added quickly.
Venus could kick their asses. The Kev and Gemma could too, but Venus would thoroughly enjoy it. Old Martha and Jane had highly offended my Vampyre BFF with their repeated references to her being Afro American . Not only were they grossly politically incorrect, they were stupid. Their sheer delight at drawing money from their pensions was repugnant when they knew the chances of them dying were slim. I was hoping they'd end up in the pokey for a few years.
I had learned recently that Vampyres had intricate systems for handling money. Every seventy-five years or so we had to obtain new Social Security cards and basically become a relative of ourselves. Slight name changes were necessary, but Vamps rarely used the new name unless they were dealing with humans. I stumbled upon this when I realized Ethan's driver’s license belonged to a man named Edwin. I patiently explained to him that I wouldn't play hide the salami or mechanical bull hump-fest with someone named Edwin. He promptly had his legal name changed back to Ethan.
There were several immortal banks, but they were run by Demons. Even being half Demon, I wouldn't let those bastards guard my lunch money. Hence, I would have to change my identity in about fifty years and keep my savings in a mortal bank. I had half a century to come up with a name for myself that wouldn't make me laugh.
"Do you think five babysitters will be sufficient?" Ethan inquired sardonically.
"No, but I'm willing to leave the compound without panties if we can make that happen."
"I'm on it," he said as he quickly began texting our gaggle of sitters.
"Me call Jane and Marfa," Samuel said as he bounced in his crib.
"Okay, little man, you do that. That will save Daddy some time and an eardrum." I giggled at my son's imagination until the old abominations appeared in a tangled heap on the floor at my feet. "What the fu…?" I screeched as I jumped back.
If I wasn't dead already, the sight of Martha and Jane in purple yoga pants with matching sequined boob tubes and brown orthopedics would have killed me violently. Not to mention the elastic wasn't working well and two of their torpedo tits were staring up at me. Glancing over at Ethan, I noticed he was staring at the ceiling and wincing in pain.
"Well, if it's not Boobs McGee," Martha grunted as she dragged herself and Jane to a standing position. They only stood about four foot eleven, but they were scary.
"My name is
"Sammy want Marfa and Jane," our little one yelled from his crib followed by a giggle that made my heart melt.
"Um, no, little man. Martha and Jane are…" I struggled for a word that meant crazy mother fucking cow asswankers without any swear words in it. Nothing came to mind.
Martha and Jane were old nasty bats. They had recently been turned into Vampyres when I had a very shortsighted moment of weakness. Some would call it compassion. I would label it a massive FUBAR blunder. They had been the bane of my existence for years when I was a human and taught art lessons at the Senior Center. However, when I saw them laying on the floor, bleeding out and dying from an attack by Rogue Demons, I let my compassion and inner-masochist out and had them turned into Vampyres. My reward was having to live with them for the rest of my very long life.
"Martha and Jane are very…you know…ummm." How could I word ass-munching bottom feeders so it wouldn't be offensive?
"Busy." Ethan saved me from God only knew what wanted to come flying from my mouth.
"Pweese, Mommy and Daddy? Me want Marfa and Jane. They funny," Sammy begged.
Motherhumpin' cowballs. How could I make this work? Holy Hell, he said pweese .
"How about Martha and Jane and The Kev and Gemma?" Ethan compromised.
Hmm, that was good, but it was still only two against two. I needed to outnumber the old buttwankers to feel comfortable. "And Venus," I added quickly.
Venus could kick their asses. The Kev and Gemma could too, but Venus would thoroughly enjoy it. Old Martha and Jane had highly offended my Vampyre BFF with their repeated references to her being Afro American . Not only were they grossly politically incorrect, they were stupid. Their sheer delight at drawing money from their pensions was repugnant when they knew the chances of them dying were slim. I was hoping they'd end up in the pokey for a few years.
I had learned recently that Vampyres had intricate systems for handling money. Every seventy-five years or so we had to obtain new Social Security cards and basically become a relative of ourselves. Slight name changes were necessary, but Vamps rarely used the new name unless they were dealing with humans. I stumbled upon this when I realized Ethan's driver’s license belonged to a man named Edwin. I patiently explained to him that I wouldn't play hide the salami or mechanical bull hump-fest with someone named Edwin. He promptly had his legal name changed back to Ethan.
There were several immortal banks, but they were run by Demons. Even being half Demon, I wouldn't let those bastards guard my lunch money. Hence, I would have to change my identity in about fifty years and keep my savings in a mortal bank. I had half a century to come up with a name for myself that wouldn't make me laugh.
"Do you think five babysitters will be sufficient?" Ethan inquired sardonically.
"No, but I'm willing to leave the compound without panties if we can make that happen."
"I'm on it," he said as he quickly began texting our gaggle of sitters.
"Me call Jane and Marfa," Samuel said as he bounced in his crib.
"Okay, little man, you do that. That will save Daddy some time and an eardrum." I giggled at my son's imagination until the old abominations appeared in a tangled heap on the floor at my feet. "What the fu…?" I screeched as I jumped back.
If I wasn't dead already, the sight of Martha and Jane in purple yoga pants with matching sequined boob tubes and brown orthopedics would have killed me violently. Not to mention the elastic wasn't working well and two of their torpedo tits were staring up at me. Glancing over at Ethan, I noticed he was staring at the ceiling and wincing in pain.
"Well, if it's not Boobs McGee," Martha grunted as she dragged herself and Jane to a standing position. They only stood about four foot eleven, but they were scary.
"My name is
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