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our respective CVs. It is that serious. Dazzled as your backers are by your creativity, Aspire is in the business of profit, not arts subsidy, and they will pull the plug. We are in the worst recession in living memory and they will not suffer financial runts. There is genuine hope. We have a solid base upon which to build. Our existing clients signed up because of your credentials as box-free thinkers. Unfortunately, to date, not one of these accounts has been run at a profit. We must turn this situation around.
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    To this end, the winning of Esmée Éloge marks a new dawn. This is an A-list cosmetics brand and I intend to take a hands-on approach with this client, thus demonstrating the meaning of profit-oriented account management.
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    Also, early in the New Year, I hope to be able to reveal the identity of another new client, one with a marketing budget that closely resembles a bottomless pit. If I succeed in signing them up, our problems will ease considerably.
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    In the meantime, may I suggest that you consider some simple New Year’s resolutions that will assist the move into credit?
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    Caroline, as the partner responsible for strategic thinking, perhaps you can illuminate me on the stratagem behind Primordial Ooze Therapy. Call me old-fashioned, but I question the wisdom of taking ten key employees to Iceland to wallow in mud during a period of global financial meltdown.
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    And, Ted, far be it from me to fathom the creative mind, but I do wonder at some of your appointments. Does the Creative Department really need a hairdresser? Since I see no legal way of passing on the cost of highlights and pageboy bobs to our clients, I recommend you stick to hiring designers, art directors and writers who can produce billable items of work.
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    Finally, I must put my foot down. The completion of the office refurb (which, I feel obliged to remind you, was commissioned before my arrival) will mark the start of a moratorium on cap ex. Until we have turned the financial corner, such items as pinball tables and sensory-deprivation think tanks are luxuries we can ill afford.
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    I apologize for my bluntness, but I would be doing both you and Aspire Invest a disservice if I failed to speak as I found. And if we’re honest with one another, we can turn this around: 2009 is a new year—Year Zero, in fact.
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    For now, a happy Christmas to you both.

    PS: One other change I would like to institute in January is a transition to more conventional job titles.
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    From: Caroline Zitter
    To: David Crutton
    Sent: 25 December 2008, 14.45
    Subject: Out of Office AutoReply
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    I am attending the Jesus: The Original Sales Wiz seminar in Bethlehem. I will return on Monday 5th January.

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    From: Ted Berry
    To: David Crutton
    Sent: 25 December 2008, 14.59
    Subject: Re: 2009
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    I’m having a smashing Christmas, thanks, big dude. Testing the reach of my iPhone on the foothills of Aconcagua! Christmas dinner here means a can of chickpeas and a few gasps on the oxygen cylinder.
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    I take exception to the hairdresser jibe. Kirsten has made a significant contribution to my department’s output. The human brain is an amazing organ and there’s strong anecdotal evidence that if you wrap it in a cutting-edge barnet, its left-side performance is enhanced significantly. It’s no coincidence that during his most fertile period, Bowie sported some of the wackiest hairdos in pop history. As soon as he got the bank-clerk cut in the 80s he went right off the boil.
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    Fair play on the other thing though. Caroline’s solution to every problem is a self-awareness awayday.
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    So who’s this new super-rich client? Do tell. Don’t worry about me blabbing. I’ve only got a monosyllabic Argie Sherpa and some stray llamas for company.
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    Gotta go. Paco tells me Trevor Beattie has broken camp at 4000 meters. If that cunt beats me to the top of this motherfucker, I’ll