e Squared Read Free Page A

never be able to show my face in Shoreditch House again.

    Sent from my iPhone
    Â 
    From: Janice Crutton
    To: David Crutton
    Sent: 25 December 2008, 15.17
    Subject: Christmas dinner
    Â 
    Tamara, Noah and I have gone to your sister’s. Your turkey’s on the ceiling.

Monday
    Mood: resolute
    From: David Crutton
    To: Dotty Podidra
    Sent: 5 January 2009, 08.58
    Subject:
    Â 
    Switch that fucking iPod off, get your arse in here and push down the plunger on my French press. Every time I try, it sends up a scalding jet of coffee. And would you mind disposing of the tinsel vomit around your workstation? In case you haven’t got there yet, it’s January.
    Â 
    From: Róisín O’Hooligan
    To: All Staff
    Sent: 5 January 2009, 09.00
    Subject: It’s not bloody Christmas anymore ...
    Â 
    ... so is anyone going to take down the tree in reception? It’s dropping needles like a bastard, and isn’t it bad luck for it still to be up?
    Róisín
    Reception
    Â 
    From: Ted Berry
    To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
    Sent: 5 January 2009, 09.04
    Subject: help
    Â 
    yo sooz get in here do me e cant type frostbite a fucker
    Â 
    From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
    To: Ted Berry
    Sent: 5 January 2009, 09.05
    Subject: Re: help
    Â 
    Be right in, sweetz. Just preparing your hot poultice. (Is Ilama poo microwavable?!)
    Â 
    From: Ted Berry
    To: All Staff
    Sent: 5 January 2009, 09.15
    Subject: New Face
    Â 
    Welcome back to the glamour factory, guys. And now you’re here, say hello to a new boy. He’s called Yossi and he joins us as our in-house musician. He’s a lovely bloke, full of energy, enthusiasm and top tunes. I’m sure he’ll be a massive asset to the Creative Department.
    Â 
    Click below to see his online CV.
    BORN TO AN ISRAELI MOTHER AND A PERUVIAN FATHER, YOSSI’S MUSICAL TRAINING BEGAN IN THE WOMB, WHERE HIS MOTHER PLAYED HIM BLUES, NORTHERN SOUL AND BAROQUE MADRIGALS.
    HE OWNS A LARGE COLLECTION OF INSTRUMENTS, INCLUDING VIOLIN, HARP, GLOCKENSPIEL, BANJO, FENDER STRATOCASTER, NOSE FLUTE AND THE ACTUAL HARMONICA USED BY LARRY ADLER TO PLEASURE PRINCESS MARGARET ABOARD THE ROYAL YACHT BRITANNIA.
    YOSSI CAN TURN HIS HAND TO COMPOSITIONS IN ANY GENRE FROM LIGHT OPERA TO HIP-HOP. HE HAS CREATED EPIC SYMPHONIES AND MOOD-DRENCHED SOUNDSCAPES FOR EXHIBITIONS, CORPORATE VIDEOS AND WEDDINGS. HE ALSO FINDS THE TIME TO WORK WITH EDUCATIONALLY CHALLENGED TEENAGERS, RUNNING THE ACCLAIMED BAVARIAN DOMPAH WORKSHOP IN BRIXTON.
    YOSSI’S ULTIMATE AMBITION? TO CREATE AN EPIPHANIC FUSION OF SCHONBERGIAN TWELVE-TONE COMPOSITION AND SCANDINAVIAN DEATH METAL.
    Â 
    From: Liam O’Keefe
    To: Bill Geddes
    Sent: 5 January 2009, 09.18
    Subject: what’s that stench?
    Â 
    You let one off again?
    Â 
    From: Bill Geddes
    To: Liam O’Keefe
    Sent: 5 January 2009, 09.22
    Subject: Re: what’s that stench?
    Â 
    It’s llama cack. Just caught Susi in the kitchen heating it up on the new Aga. She says Ted’s come back from the Andes with both frostbite and a traditional Argentinian remedy. But she assured me it’s 100% organic, so that’s OK, then. We can safely warm up our spaghetti hoops at lunchtime.
    Â 
    You seen Ted’s all-staffer?
    Â 
    From: Liam O’Keefe
    To: Bill Geddes
    Sent: 5 January 2009, 09.24
    Subject: Re: what’s that stench?
    Â 
    Just read it. Exactly what we need, eh? A strolling minstrel, wandering the corridors, soothing our creative birthing pains with song...
    Â 
    Oh, hang on, can I hear the fucker? Is that a fucking nose flute?
    Â 
    From: Ted Berry
    To: Creative Department
    Sent: 5 January 2009, 09.30
    Subject: New Facilities
    Â 
    As you’ll have noticed, a bunch of hairy-arsed Poles have spent their Christmases getting scabby knees and calloused hands on your behalf. I hope you appreciate their efforts and think of them as you enjoy your fully reconfigured and radicalized Creative Department.
    Â 
    The three beach huts