Don't Ask Read Free

femur correctly, with the long e as in female.) "That's a bone?" Dortmunder asked.
    "It's a relic," Tiny explained. "From a saint. It's a bone from a saint, so it's a relic." He consulted his cousin. "Am I right?" "Dat's right!"
    "Now, the old country," Tiny went on, "what they--"
    "Pardon me, Tiny," Dortmunder said, "but exactly what old country is this?"
    "Well, that's kind of complicated, Dortmunder," Tiny said. "It's a very old country, but, on the other hand, it's a very new COuntry, tOO."
    "Does this country have a name?"
    "Lately," Tiny said.
    Dortmunder frowned. "Lately? That's its name?"
    "No no," Tiny said. "You always complicate things, Dortmunder. It's called Tsergovia." And beside him, his cousin sat to attention at the sound of the sacred syllables.
    "Tsergovia,"'Dortmunder said. "I never heard of it." He glanced at Kelp, who shook his head, and at Stan, who said, "If it isn't in the five boroughs, I never heard of it."
    Tiny said, "This poor little country, it really got screwed around with over the years. It was independent for a long time in the Middle Ages, and then it got to be part of the AustroHungarian empire, and one time it was almost a part of Albania, except over the mountains, and later on the Commies put it together with this other crap country, Votskojek--"
    Grijk growled.
    "--and called it something else, but now the Commies are out, that whole Eastern European thing is coming apart, and Tsergovia's becoming its own country again."
    "Free at last," Grijk said.
    "So it's gonna be a real different country," Tiny said, "from when my grandparents decided to get the hell out of…" He frowned, and turned to his cousin. "What was the name of that place again?"
    "Styptia," Grijk said.
    "Yeah, that's it," Tiny agreed. "My ancestral village home."
    "A beautiful little willage," Grijk said, "nested in da crags a da mountains."
    "My one grandfather was the village blacksmith," Tiny told the others, familial pride in his voice. "And the other…" Again he was at a loss; scratching various acres of his forehead, he said,
    "Grijk? What was my other grandfather? You never told me." "Oh, veil,"
    Grijk said. "Such a long time ago."
    "Yeah, but what did he do before he left for the U.S.? One was the village blacksmith, but what was the other one?" "Veil," Grijk said, reluctantly, "da willage idiot." "Oh," said Tiny.
    "Bud only because," Grijk hastened to add, "dere weren't d'opportunities in dot liddle place. Nod like here."
    "Yeah, that's true," Tiny agreed.
    "And nod like da way it's gonna be, vid your help." "Whatever I can do, Grijk, you know that," Tiny said. Dortmunder said, "Tiny? What's the problem?" 'qYell, the problem," Tiny said, "the problem is the UN."
    Dortmunder absorbed that. He said, "You want us to go up against the United Nations? Us five here?"
    "No, we're not going up against the UN," Tiny said, as though it were Dortmunder who was being ridiculous. "We're going up against Votskojek--"
    Grijk growled.
    "--which is a whole nother thing."
    "Which nother thing?" Dortmunder wanted to know.
    The bone's in the mission," Tiny explained.
    "Well, that makes sense," Kelp said. "You got a religious relic, you keep it in the mission."
    "Not that kind of mission," Tiny said.
    "Is this in California?" Dortmunder asked, expecting the worst. "It's not that kind of mission," Tiny said, louder. "It's the Votskojek"--growl--"mission to the UN. Or it will be if they get the seat, which they ain't gonna get, because we're gonna get the bone." He turned to his cousin. "Isn't that right?"
    "Dat's right!"
    "Wait a minute," Dorununder said, "I'm seeing some daylight here, I think. Either that or my brain's on fire. Tsergovia's a brand-new country, so they aren't in the UN yet, and in order to get accepted into the UN they've got to steal this saint's bone from this other brand-new country. The bone is like their admission to the UN."
    Kelp said, "John, that's the dumbest thing I ever heard in my life. The United