Dick Longg: Sexual Saviour of the Universe Read Free

hadn’t been this spooked since that fateful day during filming three years ago when he lost his erection after only fifty minutes although in his defence, he had been suffering from both a bad case of debilitating flu and from being accidentally kneed in the testicles in a previous orgy scene. Slowly getting up up, Dick reached for the bottle of chilled champagne.
    ‘Mr. Longg!’
    ‘Call me Dick’, he responded, unsubtly opening his robe a little.
    ‘I must have your full attention!’, Alice commanded, looking at him sternly. ‘Are you aware of H G Wells?’.
    ‘Of course I have. Everyone knows Harry Wells, the director of ‘Forest Hump’ and ‘Saturday Night Beaver’’
    ‘No! The Victorian British author’. Alice could see that this was going to take longer than she had imagined, and longer than she had.
    ‘Ah. That H G Wells’, Dick nodded, faking his knowledge of nineteenth century literary greats. ‘Yes, I am aware of his work’.
    Alice didn’t believe him for one minute and sighed. ‘He wrote ‘The War of the Worlds’’
    ‘’The Whore of the Worlds’? I starred in that!’
    Alice ignored him. ‘’The Shape of Things To Come…’’
    ‘I was in that one too!’
    It was all Alice could do to stop herself slapping him. Instead, she grabbed the lapels of his robe and drew him to within a few inches of her face.
    ‘’The Time Machine…’’
    ‘I wasn’t in...’
    ‘Don’t say anything!’ Alice exclaimed. ‘Wells published it in 1896 but it wasn’t just science fiction;   it was a story very much inspired by fact. You see, a small, select group of his contemporaries were more technologically advanced than we ever knew…’ Pausing for effect she continued, ‘They had actually developed time travel!’
    Alice momentarily relaxed her grip and Dick took this opportunity to pull himself away and register his scepticism.
    ‘Whoa! Hold on lady. I don’t know lots of things but one thing I do know is that time travel is impossible. It belongs in books and in movies!’
    ‘Believe me, Mr. Longg. It’s true. Time travel was invented’, Alice said in a very matter-of-fact-everyone-knows-that sort of way.
    ‘Sure. And you’re saying it was developed by some uptight old Victorian guys in stuffy suits, top hats, brogues and gold watches on chains?’
    ‘Precisely. That’s how I’m here. And it’s why I’m here!’
    Dick was unimpressed. Confused as well, but more unimpressed than confused.
    ‘Look lady, you’d better go before I call security’, he said. ‘Why are you telling me all this? I don’t know who you are or what you want...’
    Alice pulled Dick towards her once more. ‘I want you!’, she replied with more than a hint of desperation in her voice.
    ‘Yeah, right’, Dick responded. ‘Tell me something I haven’t heard a million times before’.
    Alice continued forcefully. ‘Please hear me out, I implore you. Suspend your disbelief for a while and assume that what I am telling you is absolutely true’.
    Dick groaned. It was a groan that implied ‘I'm bored and want to end this conversation and get back to filming’, rather than a groan he might have emitted while being fondled with a sable glove or having low-fat raspberry yoghourt licked off his testicles. However, Alice ’s sudden appearance, her clothing and the garbage she was spouting intrigued him and Dick decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. Well, for a short time anyway.
      ‘You’ve got one minute’, he told her firmly, ‘and not a second more’. Dick looked down at the Rolex Submariner on his wrist before realising he wasn’t wearing it. He sighed.
    Seated on the couch, maintaining a safe distance from Dick, Alice continued with an even greater sense of urgency. ‘My home, the Great Britain of 2150, is a totalitarian state. It’s governed by the descendants of this cabal of businessmen, scientists, industrialists and politicians from the 1890s who developed time travel and