Dial M for Mongoose Read Free Page B

Happy Land."
    "Oh, sure," said Jerry Dooty. "Nobody likes spending time with ol' Jerry."
    Natalie waved. "Have a nice day!" she chirped.
    "Never have," the gopher mumbled as he closed the door. "Wouldn't know what to do with one if I did."
    When we were well away from the janitors' office, I stopped and shook myself all over."Yeesh. Get a load of Mr. Sunshine."
    "You said it."
    "I've got to do something to throw off his mood, or I'll be down all day."
    Natalie arched an eyebrow. "A swing on the swings?"
    I smiled and pulled out Ms. DeBree's change."And a Pillbug Crunch bar. Just what the doctor ordered."

    After a treat and a swing, I was ready to tackle anything. But wouldn't you know it? The bell rang. All I could tackle was math lessons.
    I blew out a sigh and headed off to class. It wasn't fair. All the other detectives filled their days with secretaries and secret messages and mysterious clients. What did I have? A bad case of Mr. Ratnose.
    At least there was one small mystery to toy with. Rick Shaw, the hedgehog, was absent and nobody knew why. Illness? Sudden family trip? I suspected terminal nerdiness.
    "Nobody's seen Rick Shaw?" asked Mr. Ratnose. "It's not like him to miss school."
    If you asked me, ol' Rick had picked the right day to skip out.
    A couple hours of cruel and unusual punishment later (also known as decimals, division, and vocabulary test), I would have hung up my school career, given half a chance. I settled for recess instead.
    Natalie was waiting for me beneath the scrofulous tree, our usual meeting spot."What a
magnificent
day!" she said. "I'm
partial
to
pursuing
detective
procedures
on a
splendid
day like today."
    I rolled my eyes. "Someone aced her vocabulary test."
    "My
achievement
was
outstanding
." She beamed and fanned herself with her wing feathers.
    "Okay, Webster. Let's
suspend
the, uh ... show-offishness and get to work."
    "Didn't do so well yourself?" she asked.
    "I don't wanna talk about it." I led the way across the playground to our next interview. "Ms. DeBree said she'd had some run-ins with the Dirty Rotten Stinkers in the past. How shall we play this?"
    Natalie offered a tight smile."How about not at all?"
    The Stinkers were the school's worst gang. Their ranks bulged with thugs, lugs, punks, skunks, and plain old no-goodniks. They were the rancid cheese in the triple-decker silverfish and sauerkraut sandwich that was Emerson Hicky Elementary.
    "Aw, c'mon, Natalie. It won't be that bad."
    "Not bad?" she said. "Do you remember the time you fingered them for vandalism, so they tied your tail in a knot and buried you in a Dumpster?"
    "Harmless hijinks," I said, strolling toward the portable buildings. "Besides, it's ancient history. I'm sure they've forgotten about it by now."
    We rounded the corner of the first building and saw the Dirty Rotten Stinkers: Erik Nidd, killer tarantula; Bosco Rebbizi, bad-tempered ferret; Kurt Replie, no-account rat; a wart-covered toad whose name I didn't know; and a half-dozen other mugs.
    All eyes stared at me.
    "Chet Gecko," said Erik, flexing four of his eight legs. "Ya got a lotta nerve comin' around here."
    Natalie gulped. "What were you saying about ancient history?"

5. The Power of Positive Stinking
    The original tarantula bad boy, Erik Nidd, crawled toward us like a tank—if a tank had eight hairy limbs, a chip on its shoulder the size of a pyramid, and a really nasty disposition. His beefy arms and legs bulged with muscle, and his many eyes glowed with cruel delight.
    "Gecko and bird," he said."How nice. We wuz just lookin' around for someone to cream."
    In spite of myself, I took a half step back, then turned it into a dance shuffle. "Cream? No thanks. I like my coffee like I like my girls."
    "Strong and pure?" said Natalie.
    I turned to look at her. "No, not at all. Yuck."
    "Enough fancy-pants talk," said Erik. He flexed
his other four legs."Let's do some clobberin', Stinkers."
    I edged closer to the building. "We didn't come here for a