chair and tried to pull in deep breaths. Yes, this was all really bad, but at least I wouldn’t have to deal with it alone.
For now, that would have to be enough.
----
S ydney ended up staying with me for two days. When I asked about work, she just shrugged and said she’d called in sick, and when I gently probed about Anthony being okay with her being gone for so long, she shook her head at me and said, “He’s a big boy. If he can’t handle two days without me, then we’re going to have to have a talk about clinginess.”
After that, I let it go. I needed her there; the house felt so big and empty on the few occasions when she went out to get us food and other supplies that I knew I couldn’t handle being there on my own. Not yet, anyway.
During one of those trips to Grapes to get us pizza, she was gone a fairly long time. I thought I knew why — I was in no shape to face any of my family, but I was fairly certain she’d stopped in at my Aunt Rachel’s apartment to explain to her what was really going on. Maybe I should have been angry with Sydney for taking the initiative like that. I found that I didn’t mind so much, though. Telling Syd had been hard enough. Having to repeat the whole story to my aunt would be even worse, because although she might refrain from saying “I told you so” out loud, she’d certainly be thinking it.
No, it was good that Sydney got that out of the way for me. Aunt Rachel would spread the word, and that meant whenever I finally felt ready to leave the house, I wouldn’t have to worry about explaining myself over and over again.
On the third day, though, Syd couldn’t put off work any longer. So she hugged me and told me to call if I needed her.
“No matter what,” she said sternly as she paused on the porch and pulled her sunglasses out of her purse. “I mean it.”
“I’m okay, Syd,” I replied. It wasn’t a total lie; by that point I felt as if I could get through at least an hour without feeling as if I were going to dissolve into tears.
And if I did, so what? No one would be around to see me sobbing uncontrollably, and I’d learned that I could break down, have my cry, then wipe my tears away and go on for another hour before that horrible choking sensation seized my throat and I began to weep again.
Probably not the best way to live, but I had to start somewhere.
Shifting her weight from one foot to another, she studied me for a few seconds, then nodded. “All right. I’ll call you on my break.”
“Sounds good,” I told her, summoning a watery smile.
She didn’t buy it, I could tell, but I also knew she had to leave now or be late for work. A quick hug, and then she was hurrying down the front walk to her car. She’d been parking it in front this whole time, since she claimed there was no way she was going to deal with the narrow alley that backed up to the garage, with its awkward angles and blind spots. I really couldn’t blame her. Not wanting to go back into the house and face its emptiness, I sat down on the top porch step.
It was actually a beautiful day. Here in Jerome it was almost ten degrees warmer than Flagstaff, the temperatures in the upper 60s, puffy clouds scudding by. The trees were still bare, but some of them had the faintest mist of green along their branches, evidence of buds that would begin to pop any day now. And I could see down into the valley, watch the clouds trace their way over the hills and the river bottom, moving fast. My eyes seemed to be pulled northward, past the red rocks of Sedona, over the mesa….
Don’t do it, I told myself. Just look someplace else. Anyplace else.
But somehow my gaze felt inexorably drawn to those brooding mountaintops in Flagstaff. We hadn’t hiked all the way up to the top of Mt. Humphreys, since there was still too much snow for it to be safe for a beginner like me. However, Connor had promised we’d go in the late spring, saying that when you were standing up there, it felt as if
For now, that would have to be enough.
----
S ydney ended up staying with me for two days. When I asked about work, she just shrugged and said she’d called in sick, and when I gently probed about Anthony being okay with her being gone for so long, she shook her head at me and said, “He’s a big boy. If he can’t handle two days without me, then we’re going to have to have a talk about clinginess.”
After that, I let it go. I needed her there; the house felt so big and empty on the few occasions when she went out to get us food and other supplies that I knew I couldn’t handle being there on my own. Not yet, anyway.
During one of those trips to Grapes to get us pizza, she was gone a fairly long time. I thought I knew why — I was in no shape to face any of my family, but I was fairly certain she’d stopped in at my Aunt Rachel’s apartment to explain to her what was really going on. Maybe I should have been angry with Sydney for taking the initiative like that. I found that I didn’t mind so much, though. Telling Syd had been hard enough. Having to repeat the whole story to my aunt would be even worse, because although she might refrain from saying “I told you so” out loud, she’d certainly be thinking it.
No, it was good that Sydney got that out of the way for me. Aunt Rachel would spread the word, and that meant whenever I finally felt ready to leave the house, I wouldn’t have to worry about explaining myself over and over again.
On the third day, though, Syd couldn’t put off work any longer. So she hugged me and told me to call if I needed her.
“No matter what,” she said sternly as she paused on the porch and pulled her sunglasses out of her purse. “I mean it.”
“I’m okay, Syd,” I replied. It wasn’t a total lie; by that point I felt as if I could get through at least an hour without feeling as if I were going to dissolve into tears.
And if I did, so what? No one would be around to see me sobbing uncontrollably, and I’d learned that I could break down, have my cry, then wipe my tears away and go on for another hour before that horrible choking sensation seized my throat and I began to weep again.
Probably not the best way to live, but I had to start somewhere.
Shifting her weight from one foot to another, she studied me for a few seconds, then nodded. “All right. I’ll call you on my break.”
“Sounds good,” I told her, summoning a watery smile.
She didn’t buy it, I could tell, but I also knew she had to leave now or be late for work. A quick hug, and then she was hurrying down the front walk to her car. She’d been parking it in front this whole time, since she claimed there was no way she was going to deal with the narrow alley that backed up to the garage, with its awkward angles and blind spots. I really couldn’t blame her. Not wanting to go back into the house and face its emptiness, I sat down on the top porch step.
It was actually a beautiful day. Here in Jerome it was almost ten degrees warmer than Flagstaff, the temperatures in the upper 60s, puffy clouds scudding by. The trees were still bare, but some of them had the faintest mist of green along their branches, evidence of buds that would begin to pop any day now. And I could see down into the valley, watch the clouds trace their way over the hills and the river bottom, moving fast. My eyes seemed to be pulled northward, past the red rocks of Sedona, over the mesa….
Don’t do it, I told myself. Just look someplace else. Anyplace else.
But somehow my gaze felt inexorably drawn to those brooding mountaintops in Flagstaff. We hadn’t hiked all the way up to the top of Mt. Humphreys, since there was still too much snow for it to be safe for a beginner like me. However, Connor had promised we’d go in the late spring, saying that when you were standing up there, it felt as if
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