Conklin's Blueprints Read Free

sinking to the old wood chips on the side of our apartment complex, not being able to breathe.  Feeling my heart break was the worst pain I had ever felt, and I was sure that nothing would ever compete with its torture.
    Jamie was furious.  She wanted to throw Ashlynn’s things on the side of the road and change the locks. “Who the fuck does that bitch think she is?  I told you she was never your friend, Becca!  Friends don’t do that to each other!  And in your bed, really?  She needs to get the fuck out of our place!” She didn’t understand my somberness towards the situation.  I had cried, been broken, and was finally given the explanation I had always thought: he was never going to love me because I wasn’t as pretty as Ashlynn, because I wasn’t as thin or as elegant as her.
    Connor called me over and over, wanting to apologize and talk about it.  I knew he felt bad and guilty, but I could never handle highly emotional situations.  I couldn’t stand seeing the pain in people’s eyes; nor could I bear to show my own pain to them.  When I finally felt strong enough, I answered my phone and told him to not worry about it; and that I understood we weren’t meant for each other.  He was nervous and anxious and didn’t seem to believe me, but agreed we were done.
    Ashlynn knew I wouldn’t be able to completely cut her out.  She had taken advantage of my forgiveness many times.  She knew she had power over me ever since we were little kids.  I couldn’t swallow the thought of my best friend taking my boyfriend deliberately. 
    I somehow convinced Jamie that Ashlynn didn’t need to leave.  School would be over soon, and I could cut her off completely then. It wouldn’t have been so awful living with her if Ashlynn and Connor hadn’t started dating officially.  Ashlynn threw it all in my face too.  She would always tell me when they were going out together and how she would be staying at his house.  Whenever she came home from a night with him, she would brag about how wonderful her night was and how her life couldn’t be any more perfect.  It took all of Jamie’s patience to not deck her by the end of the semester. I simply tried to focus on school work; and tried to avoid Ashlynn as much as possible.  The only good part of the horribly fucked up situation was Connor refused to come over to our place.  Probably because Jamie would “rip his dick off and shove it down his throat.”  Her sneer at him made me smile for the first time in weeks.
    Once Ashlynn moved out to go start her adult life with Connor, Jamie convinced me to start having fun with her.  The night before our graduation Jamie yanked me off the couch and said, “You’re not doing this to yourself anymore.  We are going to take a break from the real world and party our asses off.  We are going to be the hottest chicks in this town and run this city, and I don’t give a shit if you think this is possible or not because I am so sick of you being controlled by that monster in your head that says you aren’t good enough for anyone or anything.” Her endearment broke my streak, and I decided it was time to stop sulking and finally go into a “not giving a fuck” stage. 
    My family was not happy with my decision to stay in Florida.  I got every speech from, “You’re not being responsible,” to “It’s time to grow up,” to “I’m sorry Connor hurt you, but this isn’t how to handle it,” and the best one, “Your father can get you any job you want if you come back to Grand Rapids.”
    I hated the last one the most.  I hated the fact that because of my last name I could snap my fingers in Grand Rapids and get whatever I wanted.  Well I wanted my own life, not one that would be controlled by my name.
    So Jamie and I got an apartment downtown by all the clubs.  We both got jobs at the local gym; and worked our asses off for two hours every day; then went out at night.   My body got slimmer, and I turned