Conklin's Blueprints Read Free Page A

into someone I didn’t know.  I wasn’t afraid to approach a guy at a bar.  Granted, I had to have a few drinks in me at first, but they no longer intimidated me.  Soon the guys started to come on to me.  It didn’t take long either.  Jamie kept telling me I was a sex goddess who just needed to come out of her shell and live a little.
    Then I did something awful and brought a guy home.  I didn’t even know his name.  I remember I woke up and he was putting his clothes back on.  He turned to me and said, “Thanks for a great evening,” and left.  I felt so guilty and sheepish.  Jamie came in and sat on my bed.
    “Well he was a looker.  Nice grab last night.”
    “Jamie I feel awful; he totally used me.”
    “Becca, you used him too.” She said with a major DUH sound.
    Then it hit me like a stone from a slingshot.  No one would ever use me again because I would use them.
    So that was our life for a year: work, workout, go to the club, get drunk, and get laid.  A bit much like a man’s life, but it seemed to numb my pain and cure my insecurities about myself.  Those men saw something in me that was attractive.  So attractive that they would hold me and squeeze me and tell me everything I wanted to hear to get me to say yes to them.  So what if it was just for the night?  I didn’t want another Connor, another person to leave me for my best friend or another girl who was prettier and had more to bring to the table than me.
    Our madness stopped when a guy I brought home was a little too persistent.  He was very rough and knew exactly what he wanted.  I wasn’t feeling it and tried to subtly stop him, but he wouldn’t take no for an answer.  Thank God Jamie had brought home his friend who heard me yelling and came in and yanked him off of me.  He spat, “Not fucking again you dick!” and apologetically looked at Jamie and dragged him out of our apartment.
    After a night of crying in Jamie’s arms, I had come to the conclusion that I needed to stop numbing my struggles with the lifestyle we created and start my life.  Jamie agreed, a bit reluctantly at first, but she knew I needed it and that, in the long run, it would be best for her as well.
    The next two weeks I filled out every application I could find to anywhere.  The best opportunity I had was to my horror, Grand Rapids, Michigan, my lovely hometown where my family would devour my attention.  But I had to take it before I spiraled out of control again.  Jamie miraculously found a job the very same day in Grand Rapids.  We decided it was fate and would get an apartment together in the city.  I tried to push out the thought of my father having any part to do with it, but they had no idea I was applying for jobs, so I figured I had done it on my own.
    So here I sit waiting for my flight to take me in hopes to a new beginning instead of reliving a past.  I had changed so much from when I lived at home with my parents to going away to college.  I didn’t want to return to the sad little girl with no self-esteem and no faith in her capabilities.  But I didn’t want to be the girl who succumbed to a boyfriend like I did in college, and I dreaded being the careless “I just don’t give a fuck” girl I was in my first year out of school.  I needed to become part of all three and not just one.
     
    ~
    I waited in the pickup area at the airport.  My mother insisted that Roger, her driver/butler, would come pick me up and take me to my new apartment.  I normally would refuse this, but I loved Roger.  He was the only person who kept me sane in my parents’ house.  He was like the grandfather I never had.   He was always formal and polite but knew exactly what to say when I had been put down by my family. 
    I jumped up to hug him as he came out to open the door to the black Lincoln Navigator.  His face turned red, and he hugged me awkwardly.  He was never comfortable when I would hug him.  He never wanted to look like he was